Why do Women Fail in Leadership Roles?
Men with strong opinions are leaders. Women with strong views are bitches.
I took a management role in a government social service office. I was hired to “transform client service” by instituting “person-centered policies.” I was fired for making recommendations to transform client service by instituting person-centred policies.
My background is in finance and community-based organizations. Despite the very different values underpinning these sectors, they aim to provide high-quality service to as many people as possible for the least amount of money.
After my first day, it was clear that the morale in the office was non-existent, the labour force was very white, and people felt very unsafe in the workplace. I could tell I had a lot of work to do, but I thought I was up for the challenge.
I started strong. I sought feedback from staff about things that would improve their experience at work. They had great suggestions. But more than anything, they were just happy to be asked. Some people who had worked in the office for 20 years were not consulted about policies that would dramatically impact their work. Social service case managers have a high burnout rate, and based on what I saw, this office had a severe issue with compassion fatigue.
“The classic symptom [of compassion fatigue]is a decline in the ability to feel sympathy and empathy, and accordingly, act from a place of compassion.”- Debbie l. Stoewen
In the helping professions, compassion fatigue often results in overemphasizing the process and the absence of emotion in decision-making. When your workforce is responsible for the financial well-being of the most vulnerable populations- this is a huge problem. There are evidence-based strategies to reduce compassion fatigue, including improving job autonomy, prioritizing self-care, and ensuring that everyone has the tools they need to do their jobs safely and effectively.
After speaking with the mostly ciswoman labour force, I presented my findings in the management meetings. The managers told me that the women I spoke with were lazy troublemakers trying to get out of doing their jobs. I was in a board room full of people waving red flags, and if I could do it again, I would have run out of that meeting and never looked back, but I stayed.
I persisted. I provided studies, financial forecasts, narratives and any other data I could muster to support my recommendations. No one commented on the recommendations; instead, I was accused of being difficult and not a team player. My immediate supervisor told me my communications were too direct. I should use “compliment sandwiches” for all recommendations and use more flowery language in emails, including adding more gifs.
Every time I sent an email, from requesting more toner to sending out a notice that the phone system was down, without fail, my supervisor would reply with “Can we talk?” and then we had to meet about “how we can work on my unfriendly communication style. She decided to sign me up for an “Introduction to Professional Communications” micro credential. I have worked in a professional environment for 20 years; my classmates were mainly New Canadian professionals and older white men who had committed blatant discrimination and were there to avoid losing their jobs. I appreciated the opportunity to discuss workplace culture with people new to the Canadian workforce and the similarities and differences between other regions. However, the course content would have probably been more valuable to my supervisor since the main takeaways were to avoid slurs and sexual harassment and to respect everyone’s time by avoiding adding unnecessary details and clearly stating the most crucial information.
I worked in finance for more than a decade; I am used to a workplace where if you want to get anything done, you have to act like it was a man’s idea- you just set out a clear path of breadcrumbs and praise them for finding their way to the correct conclusion. You must get used to doing all the work and getting no credit. In this office, there were two male caseworkers and 80 women caseworkers. A pattern quickly emerged where the feedback I received from the men was addressed, where the women were almost always dismissed. So, I returned to my old ways and scheduled many meetings with the male caseworkers, gently guiding them to the correct conclusions so I could present “their” ideas to management. I do not care about the glory; if I was able to get anything done, I was happy to give someone else the credit. But it was so time-consuming to go through this every little thing.
In hindsight, I realize the whole situation was a complete joke — I mean, I had multiple disciplinary meetings about NOT using GIFs in professional emails! However, during my ten months there, the daily feedback about being difficult, unlikeable, and not socializing enough with the management team chipped away at my self-esteem. I started worrying about everyone hating me at work; I wasted so much time searching for cat gifs and trying to think of compliments to give to people who didn’t really deserve them. I started using more flowery communications in my personal life as well — if everyone at work thought I was a bitch, then my friends and family probably did too.
I was eventually fired for contradicting the authority of another supervisor by stepping in when she was berating the office receptionist…who had just saved a man’s life by administering Naloxone when he died in the lobby.
I have never come close to being fired, so the meeting where a panel of managers listed all my undesirable traits and confrontational approach was a blow to the old ego. I couldn’t even say anything to defend myself because I would prove their point about being combative, so I just kind of sat there taking in all the vitriol, like I deserved it. I have since looked up the definition of gaslighting.
The great thing about being unemployed was that I had a lot of time to think and replay the events leading up to my dismissal. On reflection, I was proud of what made me “unlikeable.” I advocated for workers and service users. I tried to institute harm reduction policies to deal with the increasing number of opioid poisonings in the lobby and washrooms. I attempted to create programs to address the apparent issues of grooming and trafficking of young girls. I tried to make a more representative workforce. Sadly, I failed miserably at all these attempts. But I am not disappointed in myself; I am angry at the patriarchy. I presented logical, evidence-based strategies that integrated feedback from workers and service- users. If I were a man, I would have been able to accomplish something by doing this work.
It is also notable that I would not have gotten a seat at the table if I weren’t white. There were only two women of colour in the office. A beautiful Latina who gave off Sophia Vergara vibes, and a Black woman who confided in me that she thought she only got hired because she did a phone interview and didn’t have photos on social media, so she didn’t get screened out. For a workplace where everyone was treated pretty badly, they were particularly targeted by management, and they experienced the classic White Tears Brown Scars scenario Ruby Hamad described in her book when they tried to point out apparent examples of racism and bias. The management team would lash out as soon as I mentioned anything about race, making things even more hostile for the few racialized persons in the office.
Ultimately, I acted in self-preservation by stepping into that situation with the receptionist. Not doing anything would have been so contrary to my values that it would have created moral injury. I just wish there was a way to live with myself while also earning a living.
As a side note, my friends and family asked me to stop sending them such long and flowery messages- they preferred I get to the point.
