“Oh boy” As my physical therapist always used to say when I would awkwardly, absentmindedly, somewhat psychotically, unobtrusively, struggle through my exercises that probably were beneath me. But who knows. Anyway I think my subconscious grasped onto that saying or “Oy vey” before it and has been screaming it at my consciousness for years on end. My psych meds could be preventing the event so I’m not aware of all the self sabotaging I’ve been doing. I’m always talking up a big game of whether or not I’ll look into reasons not to take them. Just when I start to scratch the surface I find reasons to disregard what is probably bs or what I need to tell myself is so I can sanely (up to a point) live with my parents, smoke cigarettes and barely get by until the next day. I really do have a lot of blessings. Just a few detrimental obsessions. One example is that I obsess too much about my sobriety from drugs and alcohol. Which could be a good thing but also one of the most nerve racking things someone can ever go through. There is hope out there for the hopeless or those that feel so and are constantly going on rampages to prove that they’re not. That feeling of hopelessness may never go away completely but it can be replaced by a lot of support. Not sure why I said it was detrimental I’ve just started having questions come up in my head somewhat healthy ones I’ve been told. At least that it’s more healthy to express them to someone you trust. Pretty sure I’m off topic but when I stop typing anything and look back on what I’ve written it could take months to start writing an essay of sorts (if that’s what this is) again. If you’re reading this and know who I am but we haven’t seen each other in a while, rest assured that I won’t divulge any personal matters or experiences we might have shared. Because if I did it now then I’d only be paranoid about how it might affect you. I will say this maybe and it’s probably been a long time coming that… SHIT I was right on the verge of an epiphany and fucking lost it. Oh thank god it just came back lol. That I have to come to terms with the fact that I’ll always value friendship above any other kind of ship and might be the only type I can expect at least for the time being. It’s been a weird day and just because I realized that just now it’s going to cost me a lot of pain and misery to really come to terms with and accept. But i have a gut feeling or rather a hope and a prayer that when I finally get the hang of or learn the true key to acceptance that it may in fact be more blissful than ignorance. In other words there’s so many things I know and feel and assume right now that I wish I didn’t. Yeah that last bit probably didn’t make a lot of sense. Just think of this as a performance art piece that if could possibly be understood wouldn’t be until long after I’m gone when things don’t have to and people are living in a world where intelligence and bliss coexist instead of good and evil. It may have been poetic but I’ll be wondering what I’ve been trying to say with this and maybe I’ve just been wanting understanding and completely terrified of the idea of being understood at the same time.