Breaking: 6.9% of Twitter Accounts are actually @FATJEW

-S. Hedgington

Call them what you will; Fake Fucks, Maggots, Government Nazis…whatever you dub these online shit-slinging monkeys, we can now confirm that they are exactly that.

Russia, the country with the coolest and best way of life in the world, has hacked into the NSA and has finally revealed what experts such as good and sane web users Chad Lilly (@icpchad) and R. Todd Hunter (@reptoid_hunter), among others, have been preaching all along. National hero and patriot Edward Snowden, along with a team of Anononymous hackers helped dropped a bombshell today: Josh Ostrovsky AKA @FATJEW is actually a government agent sent to infiltrate twitter and create mass confusion for the truther community.

I caught up with Snowden this morning to confirm the reports. “We have confirmed what we thought all along, we just didn’t know how massive an operation this would be revealed to be”, quipped warrior Edward Snowden. “We figured out that @FATJEW is really a Mossad agent, who actually runs a large portion of Right Wing #TCOT accounts and Uberlib “Irony” accounts. This is all an effort to create bad content online to confuse both truth-seekers and freethinkers out of legitimacy.”

The entire purpose of the agenda is not fully known yet, but it indeed makes sense. The amount of stolen content on the web has been staggering lately, and the number of dangerous stumps in metropolitan areas has increased by 420% in the past year. How can we combat this, though? Snowden, the most heroic man on Earth, has a few ideas.

“Let me be clear. If there are no terrorist attacks happening it’s because nobody wanted to do terror. In fact, terrorism ain’t real, y’all,” mused Snowden. “The same people (FBI) who set me up are running a smear campaign against people trying to spread truths. One such truth is that I am the coolest and best guy, and not only should I be allowed to return to the United States, there should be statues of me erected in the 69 biggest cities of America. Love too expose the lies of America, the worst country in the world.”

The message is two-pronged here: online content theft should become illegal, but only for cis-gendered American white males, and also Snowden deserves a Nobel Prize for being totally cool. We reached out to US President Barack Obungle earlier this morning, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest said they’d never heard of us. Sounds like another false flag….

-Sanjiv L. Hedgington is a Russian dentist/lawyer/political activist/garbage man/reporter who has contributed to RT News for 9 years.