From what I am reading, I feel like you have a need to tell your parents. That is a double edged sword, and as a survivor of very similar abuse, I have to warn you that not all will be willing to listen to your story. Most children don’t disclose the whole story at once, and it is your “child” that is wanting to tell your parents. Maybe feeling them out to see if they are receptive to listening to what you have to say will give you the answers you seek. By disclosing, you are attempting to clear your name, to prove your innocence of this belief they have that makes them think you are a failure. It’s worth a shot. You might be surprised at how loving they are toward you. They never wanted you hurt. They were the failures, not you. It is the parent’s responsibility to provide a safe place for their children. A nine year old isn’t mature enough to deal with the things that were done to you. Stop punishing yourself and start loving yourself. You deserve to be loved.
Being able to actually face your past and walking through the pain is the only way to get to the other side, the place where it isn’t so painful to draw a breath, the place where you don’t feel and inexplicable need to jump off a bridge. I’ve been there. I understand. The best thing I ever did for myself was to realize that I had not healed from my torture even though I told my parents enough to stop it (after 10 years). They never asked questions beyond what I disclosed, and I never told them anything else. I think the part I told was so much more than they wanted to ever hear. I finally, at the age of 50 found a good therapist, and I began the harrowing journey of remembering the things I hid from myself. It was one of the toughest and best things I ever did. Surviving is tougher. You’ve already done the hardest part, but getting well is tough in its own right. I hope you have the courage to keep trying. That’s the only way to succeed; to keep trying.
I would be happy to talk to you about this in private, if you wish. Keep walking in courage, my friend.