Top Ten Things I Learned About Myself This Year

1. I can be drunk, eat a burrito and walk in a semi-straight line at the same time. This is a masterclass in clumsy person multi-tasking. If, at the end of all this, you tell me I have burrito filling on my face I will defiantly shout GOOD! in the street because I am belligerent and proud.

2. Speaking of belligerence, it turns out that I love Hooked on a Feeling quite a bit. I thought I liked it a normal amount, but then the 2015 Blue Jays happened. If you’re inclined to disagree, it is very likely that I either yelled at you about it or took you by the arm, looked into your eyes and sang it at you at some point in the last 5 months.

3. I can survive ending a friendship. Prior to 2015, I assumed that you would have to murder one of my grandparents to get me to stop being your friend and that even then I might just need a cooling off period. This year I learned that I am capable of calling it quits if needed (whether or not it sends me into a months-long period of anxiety is another question for another time).

4. I continue to have absolutely zero notion of how to be a self-starter and have the willpower of a sickened sloth. I am slow to begin with and it takes me about 30x as long as a regular human being to lift my arms and purposelessly move from place to place. I thought for sure this would have changed by now, but apparently I actually have to do something about it instead of just waiting for it to happen to me? My 25th year is the one in which I learned, for the 25th time in a row, that I’m not supposed just wait for things to happen to me. Stay tuned for 26!

5. Nestled deep in my heart is the notion to throw things on the field at sporting events when filled with rage. Thankfully it lives beside my impulse control.

6. Seven years after walking out of high school and saying higher education was off the table for me, I’ve learned that this is apparently not the case. Whether or not this was a good thing will remain to be seen in 2016.

7. I can maintain a New Year’s resolution for the entire 12 months, even if that resolution is to drink more wine than beer or to take a moment to hope everything is okay when I see an ambulance or fire truck. Even still if I continue drink a lot of beer, but also discover that my wine-drunk self is a force to be reckoned with.

8. I learned that I need to hold myself to a higher standard than the one to which others have measured me. I am a big fan of meeting basic expectations at best, and the number of times I got away with bullshit output this year by letting myself off the hook was truly obnoxious.

9. I am willing to go to the gym every day and read some of my book every night and just be a normal functioning human who eats breakfast regularly. This version of me exists and I met her this summer. It was probably the biggest surprise of my year. I then lost her for four months, but I guess it’s nice to know that anything - such being a slightly less awful version of yourself - is possible.

10. I learned not to title something “Top Ten” before I start squeezing blood from a stone and can only come up with nine.

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