I dreamt of a fox last night. Just before envisioning this fox outside my living room window I had lain with my lover of whom has no recognizable face, but his body was real enough. His hands assured and desirous as it caressed mine. Completely satiated I lay there replete and turned my head a fraction at movement caught with the corner of my half-closed eye.
There in the window, outlined by the moonlight, a grey fox lit up brilliant red. She stares at me curious and twists her head ever so gently it’s almost imperceptible. …
Almost all of my dreams lately either showcase my brother or gives him a guest appearance. He is always there; either waiting for me to see him or “just there.” I’ve often asked my Higher Self what it means to constantly see my brother in my dreams and I always get the same erie answer, which is “you know why he is there, you need only accept it.”
My brother has played a huge role in my life and even though I rarely see him now in my waking life he still seems to play that same huge role. I can’t seem to live my life without thinking about him everyday. I often wonder on this. Is this guilt, fear, disappointment, and/or confusion? I know I have this deep feeling of ownership about him. About his current and life-long predicament of fighting “mental illness” and his constant addictions. I know it is not my fault the choices he’s made in this life, but I still feel I owe him something. My love he has always, that’s never been the problem, but I feel I owe him more. Like my life and the success of my path is congruently tied into his somehow. I’ve never been able to let that go and so he has been a constant push for me to learn and grow as quickly as possible for him as well as for myself. …
While taking a nap a week ago I had a minor vision of a horse. It was just a shadow of his head, barely there and all black. A black horse. It almost felt like it peeked out at me while I was floating within the easy recesses of my half awake/half slumbering mind. I haven’t thought about that vision for awhile. Almost telling myself it wasn’t time to think on the implications, but now I feel it’s time.
I looked up the meaning of what a black horse totem means and found this: