Diagnosis

Snowflake
Snowflake
Jul 20, 2017 · 2 min read

I saw a private psychiatrist who specialises in adult ADHD diagnosis yesterday (it all happened so fast — I only made an enquiry a couple of weeks ago).

After asking a lot of questions which made my head hurt — a lot of them, when they were about being a child, I was unable to answer as I couldn’t remember — and challenging a few of the things I said, he said that, yes, he thinks I have ADHD, and that I have both inattentive and hyperactive characteristics. I thought it would just be inattentive; but hyperactive makes sense. I’m glad he could see past the depression and suppression and repression I’ve poured on top of those tendencies.

Part of me knew, KNEW for certain that this was the answer I’ve been looking for. Why can’t I function? Why do I have this intelligence and talent that I’m unable to apply to anything? Why doesn’t depression and anxiety quite make sense? The other part thought for sure nobody would agree or that I was finding parallels where there were none. Part of me is still questioning the validity of this. I am definitely still processing it.

This missing piece fits in to a lot of very confusing holes in my understanding of myself and my life. I’m paralysed with anxiety now, but I’m starting to see that it’s because inside me is an excitable, hyperactive, aggressively enthusiastic, bored, distractable, tactless child, and I’ve known for a long time that to be this person was unacceptable, and have been trying my hardest to keep her suppressed. That hurts, and is confusing, and only partly successful.

So, I’ve found this answer in a place I didn’t ever know to look. It feels very strange. I was sort of in shock yesterday, and I still need to receive the report from the specialist and try to decide on next steps.

I felt a little hyperactive today. It’s a problem being too bored to focus on a lot of things, but today I also managed to get in touch somewhat with the enthusiastic, sensation-seeking side of myself, and listen to some riot grrl. I often put off showering, now I know it’s because it’s *boring*. Boredom is agony. Tomorrow I will try to do it earlier in the day, knowing that I will put some heavy, upbeat music on in the shower, and that it won’t be such a drain on my energy trying to focus on the uninteresting routine of washing.

The psychiatrist said he thought treatment could transform my life. I think these little insights into who I am and what my experience means are going to make a big difference too.

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Snowflake

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Snowflake

Newly diagnosed ADHD. Mental health ponderer. Leftist. Carer. Illustrator.