I feel like I found a sliver of a sense of identity recently, i’m trying to cling on to the vague shape of it even when I’m feeling low or having shame attacks — trying not to engage in ‘self-abandonment’, as Peter Walker wrote in CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving. (Note: elements of this book may be relevant to many readers who grew up with a neurological difference which was difficult for their caregivers or peers to understand — complex trauma indeed).
If I can do that I might not be completely annihilated every time my mood drops, and that would be Very Significant. I think that is a piece of the puzzle it has been hard to understand or explain, that it’s not just about feeling depressed, but a complete destruction of any fragile sense of identity or seat of the self, over and over again.
Continuing to write these blog posts through those periods helps.