Unbearable gratitude

Since I decided to ask to be referred for an ADHD assessment, words keep coming to me. Words like ‘intolerable’, ‘unbearable’. The waiting feels unbearable.

I know telling myself these stories — that I cannot bear to live like this for another moment — is causing me suffering. I am setting out to suffer, panicking myself, leaving myself only pain.

The fact that I might have found some sort of ‘answer’, that a life of suffering and struggling could have an explanation and things that could help — that should be a good thing. It feels very difficult to have this possibility just within my grasp, it feels very difficult knowing I could be waiting for months, even years, to be assessed through the NHS, and not knowing whether the service will be satisfactory when I get there. So everything feels much worse. I feel like I can’t bear it.

But I need to tell myself that I have survived this long, and potentially having a label that fits and a whole new avenue of potential treatments at my disposal is a wonderful thing.

Waiting is hard, but at least there is something for me to wait for. I’m no worse than I was before. I might even be able to afford a private diagnosis if I decide I can’t wait that long. That is a very fortuitous thing.

Waiting is hard, and I must find a more positive story to tell myself, and try to practice gratitude.

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