Snowflake
Snowflake
Jul 29, 2017 · 2 min read

Vestigial Loneliness

On many levels I enjoy being alone. It can be difficult and painful to navigate the nuances and brutalism of social interaction. However I feel inadequate, lonely and consumed with the need for companionship when I am not around others.

Maybe this is just an echo, a reliving of the rejection I felt as a child, avoiding and hiding from other children due to my not quite having a handle on the rulebook of human behaviour. It doesn’t feel like a choice, to be in solitude, although I am not alone now in the way that I was then. If I can let go of the sense that I am not legitimately being if I am not around other people, perhaps I can let go of desire and learn to enjoy solitude again. I can be with others when I am with others, and allow myself to simply exist when I am alone, too.

I find socialising difficult except under quite specific circumstances, but I want it despite the anxiety and stress it can cause because at various points it was something I felt excluded from — or something I felt I needed to be better at. I will try to notice when this mechanism is at play and enjoy my quiet solitude when it is actually the easier and more nourishing option.

Snowflake

Written by

Snowflake

Newly diagnosed ADHD. Mental health ponderer. Leftist. Carer. Illustrator.

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