An Unexpected Phone Call
Half Sisters Meet for the First Time
We adopted both our daughters. Both adoptions were closed at the recommendation of their social workers. They are like many siblings, very different from each other, and both very dear.
My older daughter, Sarah, however, started a trip toward suicidal ideation due to many factors — bad friend choices, bullying, social pressures, genetic influences, performance stress, and, sadly, poorly prescribed anxiety medication.
Sarah has been in a residential treatment center and is making wonderful progress. That doesn’t mean the self-harm is over, but it is better.
One day we get a call from the social worker. Sarah’s half-sister had hired a private investigator to find her relatives. Since the adoption was closed, we could drop the issue, and it would be over. Sarah has been intensely curious about her birth family, and we’ve told her that when she is eighteen, we would help her find them. But now suddenly, they were finding us. Rather, they were finding the county where the adoption happened, and the county was asking us.
What, oh what, do we do? We knew nothing about this half sister. If she was into drugs like her birth Mom was, this could be a really bad scene for Sarah. If she was looking for some kind of free ride, that could be bad for us. If this and if that. Tremendous potential for a serious downside. If things went badly, it could trigger Sarah into self harm, possibly something life threatening. Yet, it could also be really good for Sarah.
We proceeded slowly, contacting the half sister through the county, learning more about her, and eventually we spoke to her on the phone. Everything looked good. This girl was a gem. Studious, religious, respectful, smart, kind. One thing we learned from her is that her birth Mom, Sarah’s birth Mom, died over a decade ago due to a drug overdose. We were afraid this kind of news might send Sarah over the edge.
We spoke with the half sister and shared our concerns. She got it. Like I said, she was really together. We decided to put the girls on a conference call.
Wow! It was delightful being part of their first interaction. It was so cute, them instantly chatting about boys, bands, and burgers. They did make a connection pretty much immediately. Then Sarah asked about her birth Mom.
The half sister, exactly on cue as we discussed, said that was something to talk about at a later date. I expected Sarah’s anxiety and/or obsessiveness to kick in, and press for an answer in ever-escalating language. Nope. Sarah thanked her for setting a boundary. Whaaat? I was in shock. That call went way better than I ever imagined.
Sarah’s residential therapy is clearly making a huge impact on her, and the half sister will be as well as far as I can tell. Sarah has asked to connect with her half sister on social media, and I couldn’t explain why at first, but the request really rubbed me the wrong way. I collected my thoughts and told Sarah that this is a brand new and life-long relationship we’re building, and we should build it on real human interaction. Cat videos are great, and that can come later, but we need to start with real face-to-face connections.
I was again surprised. Sarah was satisfied with my answer. Her therapy has clearly made an impact on her. I can’t wait till we can get these two together, and the current plan is to get us all together at Thanksgiving. The potential for goodness is huge.
For myself, I find that relationships are more and more and more important. No one ever was on their death bad asking for more cat videos. So we are embracing a new possibility rather than fearing it.
