Why I do not stop my toddlers from crying anymore?

There are a lot of things I am figuring out as my babies are growing up, but this was one thing I was so sure about since before my babies were born. I would never tell them to stop crying, but the reality was harsher than my resolve.

If you are the primary caregiver for a toddler, you know how cranky they can be. Terrible twos are a developmentally appropriate phase and have their own significance. But, it is not easy to go through, neither for the kid nor for you. While your kids may get frustrated with everything around them, it is easy to get triggered by their response to seemingly minor inconveniences.

Until some time ago I was a proud mama to two under two and their tantrums kept me on the edge. The moment they would have a reaction to anything, I would make it my mission to stop them from throwing a tantrum, but if they were excited or happy, I would join in.

I would tell them to stop crying, I would give in to their demands, I would simply do everything in my power to stop them from going batcrap crazy. I was doing all this, because this is all I knew.

And then, it hit me!

As my overthinking self was sitting and mentally dissecting a particularly challenging incident with my almost one yeard old, it hit me. I was encouraging them to suppress their responses, but not all. Just the responses that were making me uncomfortable or embarrassed.

My purpose was, of course to help them, but it had a whole lot to do with what people will think of me. People who didn’t even matter mostly.

The problem is not with my little wee one, it was my people pleasing, graceful presenting, perfectionism seeking, jerk of a parent who put the whole load of her expectations on the soft shoulders of these little kids. They’re still learning how to human!

Time for damage control

Kids, especially younger ones are more resilient than you think. Though you may think that your past actions have given them massive trauma, it is till not too late. With the right intentions, healing is possible.

Now, let me tell you something, I am not a professional, so what I am going to lay out here is what worked for me and my babies. It may work for you, it may not work for you and yours. But hey! What’s the harm in trying?

Identify and address your own triggers

The anger we feel towards the kids is usually more about us, not them. They are behaving exactly the way they are supposed to. So, the first thing to do is find our own triggers and address them.

I mean you are reacting to a little child’s actions with rage, there has to be something behind that emotion. Once identified, address these triggers and work your way through them. Whether you can do it on your own or engage a professional to help you work through it, is for you to decide.

Meet them at their level — literally

When your toddler is having a moment, a towering figure telling them how to behave is not going to calm them down. In fact, expect the opposite. They are going to go further down their tantrum and will stay in their fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode.

Something that works wonderfully well for me is kneeling down and see them eye to eye or give them a hug, or firmly but gently holding their arms down to their side so that they can’t hurt themselves. Next, I speak in a low register and say simple phrases, which may mean nothing or everything in the moment. Simply empathise, or sing their favorite song in a low register (even a whisper), and see them calm down gradually.

Talk about the incident and observe

Talking to them in the moment about what went wrong and what was the right thing to do will do you absolutely no good. They have no rationale, especially when they really want something, or see that things aren’t going their way.

Once they have calmed down, have had some time to come back to their old selves, you can gently explore the reason behind their tantrum and how they can always come to you for a connection. It can be something they choose or what you suggest like a cuddle, a peck on the cheek, some time to hold hands, or a quick conversation about how they feel.

The idea is not to deprive them from feeling something or suppressing the big feelings. Instead you need to coregulate and understand how to deal with their more challenging or unfamiliar feelings.

Rinse and repeat

It would be unrealistic, not to mention naive, to think that once you do this, one time, everything will be rosy and there will be peace forever. So, what do you do? Rinse and repeat. Basically, you need to have a consistent response to their tantrums.

Kids understand consistency and predictability. When you meet each of their meltdown or big feeling with the same, calm, stable response, they start to learn how to make themselves feel better and use the tools (they learn from you) to reach a more regulated emotional state.

I have seen great improvement in my kids especially when it comes to how they deal with situations that aren’t as per their wishes.

Don’t get me wrong, you will still see me squatting or kneeling down in front of my kid in the middle of a supermarket or park, but we have gotten better at coregulation.

We are still a work in progress.

Don’t give in

I feel like I should have mentioned it before, but it is absolutely critical to remember not to give in to a child’s demand or wishes, just because of a meltdown or to calm them down in the moment. Your response will set a precedent for their next inevitable meltdown.

I don’t want them to believe that the best or the easiest way to get anything is by staging a meltdown. So, I never give in. I validate their feeling and give them connection time, but that is it.

Above all, be kind to yourself

You may not do the right thing always. You may do the exact opposite of what you resolved to do. But, remember to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and figure out what are your trauma points and how you can heal better.

After all, we all could do with a little bit of healing ourselves.