Happy Presidents Day! We brought in a presidents expert to answer YOUR QUESTIONS about the presidents!

Q: Why were there two presidents named George Bush but only one President named Benjamin Harrison? (Ashley H., 11, Queens, NY)

A: Because two men named George Bush have been elected President, whereas only one man named Benjamin Harrison has been elected President (so far! you go Benjamin Harrisons!)

Q: Who the fuck is Chester A. Arthur? (Charles C., 7, Chicago, IL)

A: The 21st President of the United States.

Q: Who was the fattest president? (Valentino H., Scarsdale, NY)

A: At 335 pounds, William Howard Taft is our fattest president. If you meant ‘phattest,’ then the answer is also William Howard Taft.

Q: Why is there no ‘Everyone but Presidents Day’? (Doug H, 9, Easton, PA)

A: Because Presidents are a historically disadvantaged group.

Q: Why hasn’t Baby Spice been elected President yet? How much longer do we have to wait? (Megan M., 24, Boston, Mass.)

A: Baby Spice was not born in America, and therefore cannot legally be elected President of the United States. You have to wait forever.

Q: Which President has boned the most babes? (David K., 27, Miami, FL)

A: 19th President Rutherford B. Hayes with a total of ‘4.’ (But 39th President Jimmy Carter is tight on Hayes’ heels. Go Jimmy!)

Q: What happens if the Vice President kills the President using cool kung-fu moves? Does he get to be President? (Joseph B, 71, Washington DC)

A: He would go to jail for murder.

Q: Why doesn’t President Obama open every speech with ‘can you smell what Barack is cooking?’ (Dwayne J, 41, Los Angeles, CA)

A: Because he is the President of the United States, and that would be extremely unprofessional .

Q: Who is the 46th President of the United States? (Mikey R., 11, Austin, TX.)

A: Chris Christie.

Q: How did America work before their were presidents? Was it just like a Lion King type animal government? (Ivan H., 7, Brighton Beach, NY)

A: I only know about the presidents. What it was like before the presidents is exactly what I do not know.

Q: Did you predict the future earlier? Cause that would be fucked up. (Britnee D., 9, Nashville, TN)

A: What? Oh… I... No. Happy presidents day. I’ve gotta go.

And then he, our resident president expert, drove away in his van spray-painted with portraits of all the presidents. He answered no further questions.

Happy Presidents Day!