9 rules for happiness (from a hacker who sold his company)
Introduction
I just sold my startup. And had nothing to do. So, I did this memo to guide my everyday life. And achieve more happiness. Let’s get the caveat out of the way: Seeking happiness is often a fruitless endeavour, because
(1) research suggests that I have a fixed happiness level, which is untouched by “superficial” circumstances, such as winning the lottery or becoming paraplegic.
(2) My brain and genes are evolutionary wired towards survival and reproduction, not happiness.
(3) There might be certain activities (e.g. the gratification exercise below) which are backed by solid science to be effective, but most other suggested activities may, at best, be proven to only correlate with more happiness (e.g. relationships). It is still unclear which of the two causes which.
(4) I may write down the best rules in the world, but eventually just do what I would have done anyway.
However, it seems not harmful to think about it. Plus, I am a bunch of physics (neurons) or biology (hormons), and there could exist some rules to make those neurons and hormons behave in a way triggering more happiness. This memo is an attempt to formulate such.
The source of this memo are various books and blog posts on philosophy, psychology, positive psychology and happiness. However, please comment at the bottom of the page your suggestions, so that I can improve this memo. In fact, the sole (egoistic) purpose for me publishing this memo is to improve it via your feedback.
In general, I need 3 things to be happy: positive mindset, strong relationships and a sense of a bigger purpose. The following 9 rules shall help me achieve those things.
Rule 1: Put deep relationships above everything else ¹
My family and friends are my life. If everything else was lost, I would be totally fine. Contrary, if I had everything, except my relationships, my life would be empty. Thus, my first priority is to deepen my relationships.
I am also open to establish new ones, but am wary: At least 7 interactions are needed for a relationship to start. Thus, isolated meetings are worthless, unless there is the possibility AND the will to meet more. Thus, I should increase the priority of regular social activities, like a sports club.
Rule 2: Insert something larger than myself into my life ²
My life is finite and has no special meaning except the one I give to it. Being part of something larger than myself will give me a sense of extra purpose and contentment. 2 obvious candidates: Children and a great work project.
Rule 3: Increase positive emotions via the gratifications-exercise
Add to my daily schedule the gratifications-exercise: Write down 3 positive things that happened today, and why. This will rewire my brain to more often remember and think towards positive outcomes. Reason how those 3 positive things are due to universal causes. This will help me understand that the same causes will lead to many more positive things in the future.
Rule 4: Decrease negative emotions via accepting and forgiving
Usually, the same negative emotions keep coming. So write them down. Accept them. Then allow them to go away. Reason, if possible, how each of the negative emotions is due to temporary causes.
On a related note, I often feel bad about interpersonal conflicts. But I shouldn’t worry. People figure out their conflicts and live happily ever after. Forgive the other person for her/his behaviour. She/he is good and shares your goals. Forgive yourself for doing something bad. You had your reasons, the other party will get over it, and other people are worse.
Rule 5: Go for what you want ³
Always ask yourself “what do I really want?” and go with it — unless it doesn’t mean a catastrophe for someone else. Do this at small things (e.g. when you need help from a customer service employee) and big things (e.g. career choice).
A common regret of the dying is that they didn’t live a life true to themselves. Another, related one, is that they didn’t do something they wanted. If you do something and it goes bad, the mind can take care of that and you will be fine.
Rule 6: Say no to what you don’t want ⁴
Free yourself from external pressures: “Look beautiful”, “buy this”, … These are pushed by marketing departments and people’s expectations. The pressures are, at best, only relevant to their happiness. Even if they expect it, deep down they couldn’t care less, spending 100x more thoughts on their own problems. Expectations to use your potential or have a particular career or more money are similar.
Understand that the necessity for earning and spending money is a myth: It is only there because the animal parts of our brains are addicted to certain sensory pleasures and spend much of our time at work to convince each other that we need to buy each other’s products and thus need more money.
Finally, say no to relationships that you don’t want. Conflicts with a colleague or spouse reduce my happiness every day, even days I don’t see the other person but think about the conflict.
Rule 7: Do a job which fits my strengths ⁵ ⁶ ⁷
This will enable me to be in flow more often, which is a tremendous source of happiness. This will also give me more money, freedom and self-esteem. If it isn’t already, it can become my passion. Similarly, try to use my strengths at daily errands and hobbies, which will again make me experience more flow and thus happiness.
Rule 8: Enjoy the present using meditation ⁸
The only moment that truly exists is the here and now. Nearly every negative thought concerns my past or future, which is absurd, because I live in the present. It is thus important to practise mindfulness, which means to delve in the moment. Meditating daily, at least 10 minutes, will help. I will learn to let negative thoughts go away quicker.
On a related note, I should always derive joy from the activity itself, rather than looking forward to some ends. For example, I should play a sports match to enjoy it while I play it, and not to reach some place in the rankings.
Rule 9: Take care of my health
Eat healthy. Fulfil my body’s wishes, such as sleep or doctor’s appointments. I am my body. Putting effort into its maintenance is a no-brainer. On a related note, try to develop a routine. It will give me more energy and time.
What do you think? Any other suggestions? Should I change the priority of the above rules? Looking forward to your comments!
Footnotes
1: TED talk on Harvard happiness study: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI
2: http://www.iep.utm.edu/mean-ana/
3: Top five regrets of the dying in https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying
4: https://thegrowthlist.com/how-to-not-give-a-fuck-what-people-think/
5: Chapter 10 in “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman
6: https://oliveremberton.com/2014/how-to-find-your-passion/
7: http://www.nickbarlow.com/blog/?p=3326
Photo credit: Photo at top by Azri Suratmin from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-lounge-chair-on-side-of-swimming-pool-122244/
