I’m a Pale Yellow Post-It and I’ll Protect Your Privates

If you work in a Post-It-forward office environment you know that the tiny colorful squares of paper are powerful cognitive tools, but don’t underestimate the contributions of their Pale Yellow cousins.

Monologue from a Pale Yellow Post-It:

Innovation and startups my ass. I’m sick of all this banter about creative offices being covered in brightly colored Post-It notes. Collaboration! Vom. While you wait for those neon squares to Day-Glo a new meditation app, know this: I’m a Pale Yellow Post-It, and I’ll be in power way longer than Putin.

I mean, people put the things they don’t want to forget on MY body. Who do you think knows more passwords than anyone else? Moi. Having an affair? I know where you’re “working late.” I hold the keys to every indiscretion, insurgency, and evasive action in all of humanity. I know more gossip than a bartender. I’m the OG of office supplies.

I’ve slipped my way into every supply closet in the country. Do you think any of the noxious neons are in here? Hell, no. I blend right in to these law offices and manufacturing supply companies. It’s just me in the dark next to the 12-pack of Bic ball-point blues, cozying up because inevitably it’ll be that blue Bic that nervously makes a few self-conscious scribbles on my pasty pages and I want to be there to make sure your husband’s social security number isn’t sold to the highest bidder.

Even when you think you’ve lost me, there I am, folded over and intertwined with the crumbs at the bottom of your backpack. Yeah, I might have collected some lint. I might have a stray hair, but I will NEVER go Equifaxing your privates all over the internet.

All you appy app faces better start swiping right and giving me the upward nod of acknowledgement when you see me. Enjoy your team of Bitcoin blockchainers in your hyper-collaborative open offices, but next time you head off to manage your cryptocurrency portfolios, remember that I’ve infiltrated ALL of the mauve cubicles. I’m the biggest goddam cyber weapon that the NSA will never have.

I mean, who do you think orchestrated the Russian-American election collusion?! Just kidding. Those idiots still use legal pads.