Well, not right now, because I have my period and a huge headache and I ate an incredibly sweet dessert that made me crash real bad so it’s been kind of a wasted afternoon.
But, other than that, generally speaking. Yes, I think I’m happy. In a way that may actually last. And it’s not a common thing. For me.
First (and maybe even foremost), writing and posting every day has been a very surprising experience. I didn’t know I
a) had so much to write
b) about so many different things and
c) didn’t care very much who read or commented or liked what I write.
Second, and this is very important for me, I’m not watching nearly as much TV. Maybe even more importantly, I’m not thinking nearly as much about watching TV. I used to think about what shows I was going to watch and how many episodes I could watch all day. Now I don’t do that anymore, and I have all this free mental space to think about other things, like dates with my boyfriends or things to write about. I feel like I’m detoxing. I still like all the TV shows and Netflix and my Twilight DVDs. But there are other things in my life too, books and people.
Not there there weren’t other things in my life before too. But sometimes it didn’t feel that way.
And all the guilt. All the guilt I felt about watching so much tv, and thinking so much about watching tv, and making everyone believe I was this bookish girl when in fact I was tv girl, and not even cool tv girl, but the girl who watches Full House and The Streets of San Francisco (although that one has a certain vintage coolness about it, I guess; also, Michael Douglas).
The guilt is gone. Now I’m actually the girl I was always wanting to be all the time. Someone who writes and reads because it’s what she loves to do — not something she has to do before she can finally watch some more tv.
I’m also getting up early to run three times a week, I’m slowly approaching my goal of doing one complete push-up, I meditate, I try to eat less sugar and flour and all my vegetables and this all sounds horrible and boring and horribly boring, but I have realised that yes, this makes me happy. Exactly this. Being this person. Methodical and quiet and leaving the office on time even if there’s work to do, because it’ll get done, of course it’ll get done. I’m not worried.
I’m so relaxed I told my boss I disagreed with her today and she was so surprised she forgot to scream. She actually nodded. I told my therapist I felt I wasn’t getting my money’s worth if I didn’t leave her couch crying, and she laughed. She said “oh, you’ll cry, don’t worry”.
And I’m so happy I’m even looking forward to that.