Ode to My Colon

Tomorrow I get my large intestine removed. My complicated homage…

Breakups are never pretty
This one’s especially sh*tty
Colon, you’re leaving me –
It’s cool, I set you free
With this little ditty

Been a long and winding road
You’re worthy of an ode;
You tried your level best,
With precious little rest,
Carried a crappy load

Many an up and down,
Many a laugh and frown,
And a whole lotta poopy 
You introduced me
To every bathroom in town

You made road trips tough
Gas stations were rough
Hotels: The best 
Sparkling potties on which to rest;
Man, we’ve been through so much

For twenty years
Clenched fists and tears
I’ve known no other way
Than eight bathroom trips a day;
Time to face my fears

Embarrassed and alone, 
On my porcelain throne,
I often cowered and hid
“You poop a lot,” says my kid
I sure did, with my trusty iPhone

We’ve battled together,
But also each other,
This civil war
Is no more –
A truce, estranged brother

Yearly scopes to check on my gut
Won’t miss tubes up my butt 
Happy to say bye to those
Weird rectal hoses –
Glad that ‘door’ is shut

Says the doc (and the wife):
I need to save my life,
Not to save you,
And I know it’s true
For you caused me strife

Not easy to say goodbye to
The satisfaction of a good poo
But let’s be real, it was rarely a joy
For you loved to annoy
Made it hard to love you

Why’d you hafta be such a jerk?
Made me miss fun stuff (and work)
This situation we must rectify,
For I struggle to identify
A single perk

I take that back, we just need a divorce
Lately our bond’s felt a tad forced
You’re Montezuma-level hateful
But to you, I’m actually grateful –
Strength out of me, you coerced

Ours was an on-again, off-again thing
At times a fun little fling –
But like any couple, we fought
You showed me I’m stronger than I thought;
Winter’s over, here comes spring

Each day, it was hard to know
Sometimes you were solid and slow,
Mostly, ya played it fast and loose
A constant adventure, dropping a deuce;
After all, life’s a process of letting go

As a unit, we were rarely great
I tried to be a team, tried not to hate
But you made your presence felt
What was that smell?
A fart? Shart? I often found out too late

A whore for attention, 
You sucked at digestion;
And I long ago gave up being normal
But this all feels so…formal
You still give me indigestion

You had nicknames galore — 
Colon Powell, Colon the Barbarian, and more –
Humor eased the intensity 
Of your pain-inducing propensity
Now I show you the door

Together, we’ve suffered
And we’ve run out of buffer;
Where’d you come from? My guess: 
You manifested youthful stress
Tested me but made me tougher

We’ve reached a harsh end
Sayonara, old friend;
Or should I call you enemy?
How about we settle on frenemy
Without you I now must fend

I could sit around and mope
But I’ll choose hope;
For it’s hope that dies last
Otherwise the decline is fast
A steep downward slope

Your ultimate destiny: 
Officially an ostomy;
Some comfort I’ll find,
Some peace of mind,
Once you’re outta me

Kinda unceremonious,
Far from glorious,
To replace you with a bag
Gonna be a drag
But I’ll be victorious

I’ll get off way-too-many meds
First, a hospital bed;
Then we’ll go our separate ways
After many rocky days
During which we cried and bled

In time I’ll get relief
Steadfast in that belief
But healing can’t be rushed
Floods of feelings can’t be hushed –
For now, I grieve

Focus on my healing,
Don’t get all touchy-feely,
But after all we’ve been through –
Gonna miss you
But not…really.