Surviving as a Nineteen Year Old Woman in New York

Defeating the odds, one pixel at a time.

18 months ago, I was seventeen years old and fearless. I had dreams of moving to New York to do the things I thought only “famous designers” could do — like build iPhone apps or launch tech startups. Back then, these things sounded like they could never happen to me. After all, I had never even heard of terms like “User Experience” or “hackathon”.

Being resilient and full of willpower, I made it my mission to move to New York and create things that I hoped would change the world.

And so, here I am.

About a year ago, I made some risky decisions and moved to Queens, New York — just a few weeks after graduating high school. And in that year I’ve changed from a fresh, young and naive girl into a wiser, strong independent woman.

I think New York is an amazing place. I’m constantly immersed in the ever growing tech scene, and am expanding my reach to give back to the community. My career has skyrocketed into a land that I didn’t even know existed. The people that I have met and the experiences I have had here were so worth the risk, loss, and struggle it took to land here. For all of this, I am eternally grateful.

I didn’t know it at first, but this city is also a cold, harsh and dangerous place. And now it feels as if every day of my life here is a fight. I’m fighting society, employers, strangers, bullies, dates, clients and peers. I’m fighting to be taken seriously, to not get shafted, to find a partner, to do good work, and to survive.

I’ve been taken advantage of, I’ve been stepped on, I’ve been bullied.

Unconsciously it seems, I’ve become cautious and weary of most males while I’m on the city streets and subway. Once I reach the safety of my destination, my guard is let down — but not all the way. Never all the way. Similarly, I keep an eye out for people that I interact with that are too nice or that look like they could harm me. Because in a city like this, people are dangerous. Everybody wants something from you. As a woman, you’re seen as a piece of meat more often than not.

On the train at 1 am, I hide my valuables and stay awake while not looking anyone in the eye. I’ll be safe when I’m in my bed. When someone I’ve been chatting with on OkCupid asks me to come to over his apartment, I respectfully decline and delete his number. I always make sure to look at my change when paying in cash, and hide the rest deep in my purse; which happens to be clenched tightly. When my Seamless delivery comes ringing the doorbell, I walk to the front of my building to retrieve the food instead of letting him come to my front door. Desires of exploring the world are left unfulfilled because I’m afraid of traveling alone.

These fears and rules have become a part of my soul, my inner being. However I begin to wonder if these fears are still fears. I feel as if I’m strong enough to conquer anything — incredibly empowered and ready for a challenge. I’m unscathed by what once debilitated me. No longer will I let ageism or sexism tear me down. Thus, this attitude has also become a part of me, which sometimes gives off a bad impression; but that I can live with. I have to protect myself and create my own happiness, because no one else will do that for me.

So, I choose to wake up every morning, leave my apartment and fight. I believe in my career, I believe in myself, and I believe that my wishes are not merely wishes, but projections of what will be reality one day. I’ll do what I have to do to survive.