Woman Nostalgic For The ’90s Enrolls In Local Elementary School

LITCHFIELD, CT — Administrators at a Litchfield elementary school were shocked Monday when a grown woman showed up to enroll herself in the 3rd grade.

25 year-old Mary Holbrook says she decided to come back to grade school after being a real-world adult proved to be a difficult endeavor. “I graduated college three years ago, and I spent all this time trying to, like, get a job and pay rent, but it was, like, really hard, you know? Because of the economy,” said Holbrook, gnawing on a Fruit Roll-Up. “I finally realized the reason my generation is so nostalgic for the ’90s is because we didn’t have to deal with any of that awful adult stuff back then. Because we were children. And I just thought, ‘That’s what I really want. To not have any responsibilities at all.’ And, you know, with ‘Fuller House’ coming out, it just seemed like the right time to come home and be a kid again. Literally.”

Holbrook’s 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Ellen Warblestaff, was surprised to see that her former student had returned. “When Mary stopped me in the hallway and said she was coming back to 3rd grade, I assumed she meant as a Teaching Assistant,” said Warblestaff. “But sure enough, I walked into my classroom and there she was, stuffed into a tiny, child-sized desk, doodling in a Lisa Frank notebook.”

“I’m not sure she’s legally allowed to be here,” Warblestaff added.

“I’d just like to thank my parents for always teaching me that I could do whatever I wanted, and that I didn’t have to worry about the consequences of my actions. I also want to thank everyone here at Litchfield Elementary for always encouraging me to follow my dreams,” Holbrook said, standing in front of a classroom bulletin board that read, “Follow your dreams!”

“My dream of never having to face the harsh realities of adulthood is finally coming true.”

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