Why everyone should try psychotherapy and some common misconceptions about it.
If I were president for a day, there’s one rule I would impose on my country: everybody should do two years of mandatory, free psychotherapy at some point in their lives. I am a firm believer that the world would be a better place.
A few years ago, a bit more than six at the time of writing, I went through a life-threatening experience. I was attacked by a guy with a gun when walking home from university. The months that followed were dark, with a lot of fear, alcohol and sleepless nights. As I felt that I was reaching the extremities of my existence, I decided that when I can afford it, I would see a therapist. Fast forwarding life a few years, having recovered from the incident, living abroad and leading a normal life, I decided it was time to do so. I was always interested in psychology and psychotherapy, and I was fascinated by analysing human behaviour and feelings. I grew up self-reflecting, and reading psychology related books, but now it was time to do some serious work on myself. I spent days stalking psychotherapists’ social media accounts to determine who would be the right fit for me, and when I found an interesting lady, I went for it.
It’s been more than two years now since I started weekly psychotherapy sessions and the process has been enlightening. Since then, I have developed my self-awareness, decision making and coping skills, which has helped me shape my life in a way that is closer to what I want it to be. When I started sharing this progress with other people, I saw a lot of them transforming through the same process. This led me to share my learnings and discuss some common misconceptions about psychotherapy.
1. Weakness or Strength?
Let me take a step back here and look at the bigger picture: Why would anyone be motivated to consider psychotherapy? A common misconception is that people who see a therapist are weak and cannot solve their problems alone. I believe the opposite. People seek therapy because they are brave enough to face a problem at its root. Confronting yourself instead of trying to cover up or ignore issues can be quite frustrating. We have to deal with uncomfortable truths about ourselves and others. It’s a process that requires a lot of time, energy and commitment. Think about all the coping mechanisms that people use to escape from problems temporarily: addictions, alcohol, food, drugs and even other people as a temporary painkiller. More seemingly innocent “addictions”, like over-exercising or workaholism, can also be indications of underlying struggles. Funnily enough (or not) all of the above are usually more socially acceptable than psychotherapy. But why is this?
Another misconception is that we should have life all figured out by ourselves. To be respected and admired, we should be strong and come across as successful. We should be able to deal with difficulties in life, make hard decisions, and move on. But come on, guys, let’s take a look around us. Life is full of stressful, unpleasant and challenging situations. How are we supposed to be equipped to deal with all of that on our own? Depending on circumstances and upbringing, people can have different ways and ability to deal with things. Seeking help on how to approach a problem doesn’t mean “Please solve the problem for me”. It means “I need some support and guidance during the process of solving the problem myself. I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it”. To me, that’s no weakness at all.
On the contrary, I found a lot of strength in the ability to share my broken parts without feeling ashamed or worrying that people would take advantage of them. The awareness and coping skills that I acquired, made me realise that if I accept my bad parts and acknowledge the good, it’s much harder to use any of them against me. It’s the non-acceptance of ourselves that makes us defensive towards others and sharpens invisible knives to be used against us.
2. Does therapy mean loneliness?
But why do you need a therapist, and wouldn’t you get this support from your friends instead? Does seeking therapy imply that you have no one in your life to help you? Speaking to friends is a bit different. To begin with, a psychologist or a therapist is trained to help a person find themselves without affecting their decisions. They know how to guide and help untangle the convoluted thoughts while remaining emotionally neutral and acting as a mirror for you to see yourself. Even friends with the best intentions, can inadvertently patronise us or assume that they know what is right for us. A proper therapist will never give you recipes or solutions. Their role is to help you find the right ones for yourself and build up the necessary mechanisms to deal with problems yourself in more effective ways. They can do so in a non-judgmental way, and since they are not part of your everyday life, it’s easier to go deeper and admit things that sometimes you wouldn’t even admit to yourself.
From my experience, I would usually start with something seemingly superficial, like complaining about all the things I don’t like. By the end of the session, I would end up questioning why I allow so many things in my life that frustrate me. Having to articulate all these abstract feelings into words had a similar effect to writing: I had to put them in order, figure out the connections between them, and separate them to the root causes and effects. A lot of them stopped even making sense when I said them out loud, and I let them go. A lot of them keep coming up, making me realise that I have to try harder. As a result, relationships with friends have become healthier and more fulfilling. Sharing my concerns with them, transformed to a way of connecting or getting closer, but I only rely on myself for finding solutions.
3. Do you have to be ““broken”” to do it?
My final point is probably the most controversial of all: “Should I even have a problem to seek psychotherapy?” My take on that is “No”. I have continued with regular sessions, and during this time, I have had some easy and some difficult times. During the hard times, it has helped to have my weekly “get my shit together” session, but I don’t think it was this that kept me going. For me, it was mostly a way of exploring myself and acknowledging my blind spots. A way to grow into a person that I like more, someone who is conscious about their own choices and desires. A way to come to terms with my shortcomings, find ways to define my limits and engage in more meaningful ways with others. Ultimately, to become a better version of myself. At the end of the day, and at the end of the week, it’s my life and my story. It should be going towards a direction I like.
Psychoanalysis is like exercise for feelings. In the same way that we ‘ve been taught that we should take care of our bodies, eat well and exercise, we should take care of our feelings as well. Exercise them, challenge them, and become less scared while building confidence and resilience. We are such complex creatures, with characters that have been developing since our childhood, when we were not always able to process things fully. Culture, family, school, and friends have impacted us in many ways. In different societies, people might not be encouraged to express themselves or speak about their feelings. Where I grew up in Greece, it’s generally more acceptable for females to speak about feelings with their friends. Therefore, we tend to do it from a young age. This helps us be more aware of our feelings going through the process of “how I feel and why do I feel this way” regularly. Untangling this, discovering our hidden motivations and understanding our needs help us have a better relationship with ourselves and ultimately, an easier life. Distinguishing what’s ours and what not is an integral part of forming our own identity.
I don’t know if I will ever become a president and have the power to tell people to do therapy, in fact, it’s highly unlikely. But, if I only managed to change the perspective of a single person about its benefits, that already makes me a happier person. Even if my proposal to “force” everyone suggests otherwise, I am a firm believer that this process can only benefit someone who wants this for themselves and is determined to do what it takes to go through it.