Do I destroy everything I create?

Sometimes I have trouble understanding why I do certain things, why I act certain ways, and why I say certain things.

Sometimes there aren’t reasons — I just blurt something out, something I later regret saying.

Other times, there are reasons behind my actions, although they may not be crystal clear to me.

However, one thing that I am certain about is you.

As it would take me years to swim across the world, it would also take me years to tell you.

I am a person of low-self esteem. I’ve established this years ago, and I know its impact on different aspects of my life. One of its biggest impacts is on my romantic relationships.

When I feel down about myself, I feel as if I can do nothing right — like I am the bottom of the barrel and incomparable to anyone else because I am that inferior. This leads me to push people away, especially the ones I love the most. All I want is to feel good enough to be with you. I may not be able to live up to your beauty standards, but I promise I can give it back in love. I will love you like no one else — I value nothing more than our time together. My favorite place is wherever you are. You hold my heart.

I could spend a whole day just thinking about the way your eyelashes flutter when you blink three times in a row. How they look like miniature paintbrushes and how I wouldn’t mind you brushing them across my cheeks.

I get lost in your voice — I would love for its deep, holy melody to narrate our love story. It is so soft and so sweet, and nothing is more beautiful than when you proclaim your love to me.

Everything that makes you you is everything I love. Even your flaws make my body shutter, roll my eyes, or let out a giggle. They get a reaction out of me, and that is enough to make me a little crazy.

I can love you like no one else — and that is a promise I will forever keep.

It is a strong, solid, and sturdy kind of love. We can get through anything, and we have already gotten through some of the toughest times we will ever have to go through. You are my rock, and I am yours.

But I am weak.

I will cry myself to sleep over the thought of losing you, over the idea that one day you will think my weaknesses are more powerful than my strengths. I will become too much for you to “handle” and you will see me as more of a parasite than a beautiful butterfly that you once thought was so unique and full of opportunity. I am scared you will see me as a withered weed instead of a strong tree that can stand on her own.

I am not good at goodbyes.

I hate to see you leave.

I am envious of others and strive to make a difference in your life, one stronger than all of your other romances.

I put emphasis on “little” things that shouldn’t be a big deal but I somehow manage to make them seem big.

I want you to talk about me to your friends and say, “Wow, she is so beautiful. She’s made me a better person.”

I have high expectations, and get agitated easily when they are not met.

I try to be strong — I try and I try, and sometimes, it doesn’t seem to be enough. I get discouraged, lose hope in myself, and go back to square one.

My heart is big, but sometimes my head is bigger. It conquers my body and throws my emotions out of whack.

There are so many things I can’t change about myself, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I try.

I cry. I get angry. And I take it out on you. I rely on you to let me cry on your shoulder, to caress my arm, fuss with my hair and make it all better. But it’s impossible to put so much into someone when you can’t even put the slightest amount of love into yourself.

It’s pathetic, I know — and it is definitely not ideal. I fear that I am unlovable, that something is wrong with me. Do I have a skewed perception of love? Are my expectations too unrealistic? Am I that hard to love? Do I destroy everything I create? Will I ever be enough for myself to be confident in my relationships? Why must this cycle continue and how do I stop it from taking its course?

Where do I go from here?

Yours truly,

c.k.

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