No longer the same girl I was 3 years ago.

I was watching a video in which I saw myself 3+ years ago. I look at her and remember her. She cared so much about people and how they thought of her. She was starting to really really like this person and would often think of him with great longing. She would wake up early and write about him and ask God, is he the one? Does he also have feelings as well in return? She couldn’t wait to hear from him via text, call or see him in person. She was so drawn to him.

However, the truth is, I am no longer that girl anymore. 8 months after the break up. Here I am. I realized that the missing and feelings of loss was for the guy that he was, that very guy I first fell in love with. The guy that I would talk to for hours and hours in a cafe. The guy who wouldn’t get tired spending time with me. I miss and mourn the loss of that guy.

My friend recently asked me when did the ex stop loving me? I recall back a few weeks before the break up when he came to my apartment and told me he did not know what to say and could not explain this feeling of disconnection. He looked at me with absence. There was already no love in his eyes when he talked to me then. I think I remember being horrified that night, but I did not know why. Now I look back and I know why- I saw the absence of love in the man that once told me how he wanted to marry me.

The thing is…I realized that I am crying over a guy that no longer is that guy. Therefore, the feelings that I have towards the ex are starting to drift off the person and more now storing into long term memories.

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