I don’t have Arachnophobia… well… not really cause it’s not technically a spider!
Courtesy of https://i.pinimg.com/736x/95/bd/08/95bd082cbc9f86566f495d6b3e03f707.jpg and yes thats the same camo I wore in my day. Though this is a random picture
Sara Larca for the recall of this memory. No sarcasm, just sincere thanks, even though IMO its gross.
How to begin? Oh, I know! It was a hot day in the sandbox…
Wait, when was it not hot? Like never! Lol.
Anyway, it was a hot day even though the temperature didn’t matter, I’d just laid down to sleep for the afternoon after getting off a night shift on guard duty.
I’d taken to sleeping with my rifle close by my side and the rest of my gear stored at the base of my bunk. Pretty typical really. Quick exit if necessary and all that jazz.
I don’t recall how many hours I slept but when I awoke it was still light outside. I opened my eyes and stretched a bit then noticed something off, I froze with my arms above my head in mid stretch… my dogtags don’t weigh this much ???
I looked down and there on my chest was a spider as big as a dinner plate!! Now, for some of you this may not be cause to shudder. For those of us from the sandbox, we understand. This thing is NOT normal in any respect. It is NASTY!!! All caps because it deserves it.
Now. Understandably a burly soldier man, even my buff 66” frame at the time, shouldn’t be screaming out in terror in the middle of a combat zone. I tell you though I certainly let out a very loud and manly yelp and then swore like a drunken sailor! (no I’m not taking a jab at my compatriots in arms, though we all have good fun heckling each other sometimes)
To be fair it probably wasn’t as big a a dinner plate, but to my eyes this was the biggest damn spider I’d ever seen! It did its little front leg raise thing and I could see inside its mouth! The saliva or venom was like dripping from its fangs!!! Talk about freaking out! It did its hissing as a warning and I simply lost my shit.
Courtesy of https://medium.com/@owlgirl/the-secret-weapon-of-nature-in-iraq-camel-spiders-f9ee756d94e9 @Sandra Maksimovic-Sara (ya this is pretty accurate of the pose)
I smacked it off my chest and onto the floor. My rifle in hand, thankfully my boots still on but unlaced, I proceeded to buttstroke the thing into oblivion. No, we don’t tend to sleep with rounds chambered. Thats all Hollywood and special forces :P
The damn thing wouldn’t give up its nasty little spider ghost though. Every time I lifted my rifle up to take another swing it took a step or two towards me! Now this is probably a funny situation to envision for you. A spider chasing a soldier around the room while he butt-strokes it (military for whacking it as hard as you can with the butt-stock of your rifle), I assure you that to me this was not funny. My fight or flight had been triggered, though not as badly as other things I’ve witnessed, and it obviously is still a memory that can be re-lived to this day.
I had an old machete lying in the corner that the previous occupant of my bunk had left. Normally I only walked around with a k-bar (Incredibly useful tool, a knife like that is) strapped to my belt, but I didn’t really know what to do with this machete up until now so I’d just left it in the corner of my bunk. Ya never know right? Especially out there, the most mundane things can suddenly become useful.
Courtesy of Wikipedia. This photo is a pretty close approximation
to what I had at my disposal
Well, I grabbed up that old Machete and proceeded to go to town on this monster of a spider. I swear to God, I hacked it into as many gooey little pieces as possible. Horrible, ugly, nasty, poisonous little not-really-a-spider pieces…
Neff laughed his ass off at me when I told him this story later that day. He wanted to know why I was outside smoking earlier than normal. (Don’t ever start to smoke kids, it’s a nasty habit and simply not cool!) We both agree though, Camel spiders… nastiest secret weapon of the desert …
So, no I don’t have arachnophobia… not really. But you can bet your burned biscuits I abhor camel spiders!
More on the topic of Camel Spiders
This is what it looks like if you ever get bitten by one and don’t head to the Medac immediately. One of those many cautionary tales they give us during the briefings before you get dropped out there. Wonder why we tuck our pants into our boots now? No garrison blousing in the field soldier! Creepy huh?
https://healthool.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/camel-spider-bite-photo.jpg
Oh BTW. My eldest daughter, bless her heart, is the most compassionate thing in the world. She refuses to hurt a living thing if it can be helped. SOOOO, in our house, when a spider or something gets in she gets first crack at it before I start chucking boots lol. She is a wonder, patiently waiting to catch it with a cup or something. Which is amusing to watch because as soon as she does our youngest, age 5 now, will run over and look into the cup with amazement and wonder. So proud of those two! Also, I brought that damn machete home with me, just in case I ever encounter one again … lol.
~Solid Stehl. 2022. All Rights Reserved~