The Day I Stopped Thinking
I never knew a place existed between being in a fully fledged panic attack — hands sweating, heart racing, breath shortened, mind fogged, doom impended — and eternal bliss — frolicking in a meadow of sun flowers catching butterflies. Such a place does exist. It is a place where the mind slows down, where the world stops for a second, where there is no guilt, where you live what you are living at the present moment. A place where your mind does not go back to torment you about your past nor does it go forward to anguish you about your future. It is a place where you feel what is happening to you at that exact moment. It is a place where you process as you go — you experience exactly what is happening to you. You no longer yearn for what it can or should be nor do you long for what it could have been.
On Wednesday, September 14, 2016 I stopped thinking. On Wednesday, September 14, 2016 I was graduated from college, jobless, living at home, in my bed at peace with myself, with my life and with the universe. On Wednesday, September 14, 2016 I let go and I began to live life for what it is and not for what it should be or could have been.
That was the day I stopped over thinking, I stopped over-analyzing. I woke up from my paralysis. It was the day I stopped running and was ready to face myself. I was too tired, too numb, to disillusioned. I could no longer live that life. I ran out of bandaids and I didn’t want to buy anymore. It was not about healing the wound anymore. It was about treating whatever was causing the eternal bleeding of my wound. I finally realized that the wound was never going to heal because I myself was causing my own wound. My own pain. My own fear. My own guilt. My own anxiety. I was also fighting myself for creating that pain, that fear, that guilt, that anxiety. I didn’t want to live like that anymore.
I was ready to be me, to love me and to live my life.
On Wednesday, September 16, 2016 I began to live and it felt so good.