Opinion: Some middle-class white people don’t understand white privilege because they feel like they have never experienced it
As I listened to my relative bitterly shout the words “I’m not racist!” through the phone, I remembered a time when I was 5 years old and I answered the door for two cops that came to arrest him while we were eating pizza for dinner. I then thought of my own experience in coming out to this person, and how, although I was nervous, they did not treat me any differently and welcomed every partner that I’ve brought over for family dinners. Simply from being a part of this person’s life, I feel that his intentions are never malicious or prejudiced in any way, and that he does care about people and accepts them for who they are. He is generally non-judgmental, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a result of his own trauma and hardships.
The problem is: people like him, who have experienced difficulties and trauma over their lifetime, and feel as though they have already had to fight to survive, can’t imagine a world where things could possibly be made more difficult based on skin color. I think that people like him are afraid that they will have to give up the things in their life they have worked hard for in order to accommodate their Black neighbors when, in reality, dismantling these systems that keep folks oppressed would ultimately benefit them also.
These middle-class white folks are attempting to stand in defense of their lives that they fear are at stake, because they are angry and confused and don’t feel heard. our white relatives don’t want to be immediately cast as “the enemy,” but they are also not yet in a place where they are ready to address their privilege nor their racism, because they do not feel that they have experienced privilege and they are unwilling to acknowledge that this country is set up for them to succeed more than anyone else. Maybe they are afraid that this highlights them as a failure? I don’t know.
As strong as I feel about the Movement and every critical social justice issue that has come before it, it is heartbreaking to be fully committed to a journey of allyship and solidarity with the Black community while still having empathy for your white relatives whose perspectives have been so incredibly skewed since childhood. It is difficult for people to come to terms with the fact that the way they perceive society and their place in it is not accurate, according to the history of how this country was founded: on the attempted genocide of Native American People and the kidnapping and horrific treatment and enslavement of Africans. The roots of this problem run so deep into the core of our very being and the way we live our lives. It affects everything around us. And folks are afraid of change, especially when they can’t understand what the problem is in the first place since they are not the ones experiencing it. It feels like trying to get someone to wake up from The Matrix without their consent.
I have never in my entire life been so calm on a phone call when I was actually so absolutely livid. But I patiently listened while my relative expressed his anger to me, which I interpreted as fear of change. However, I also told him how incredibly hurt I was to receive a text that said, “I’m disappointed in you” and to stop interrupting me because I respect him and value our relationship enough to provide space to make him feel heard.
Now, here is where I need to check myself and my own privilege because how incredibly selfish of me to be complaining about this when my struggles are obviously nowhere near what Black people are actually facing in the first place, right? I am aware (and continuing to learn every single day), and although I will never know what it is like to be Black, my hyper-sensitivity and my unforgiving empathy fuel my deep desire to make a multitude of necessary changes in this country. It is that same empathy that helps me to understand the perspective of people like my white relatives who have subscribed to the American Dream of owning their own businesses, not accounting for the fact that that dream was built by a society that never intended on including Black and Brown people as an integral part of this so-called “melting pot”. It’s not directly their fault, but it’s difficult to suddenly feel like you are being blamed for something that you were just completely unaware of and too focused on your own struggles with an oppressive government to see.
My intention here is not to make excuses for this particular brand of white folks, but I’m hoping that by understanding this perspective, we may be able to communicate with them more effectively. Although it should not be our job as BIPOC to work around their white fragility, it is our white allies’ job to start having uncomfortable conversations with their relatives, and it may be especially difficult with those that fit into this category because they, too, want to feel like their struggles are valid. As I tried to explain to my own relative, it’s not that his life has not been hard, but his skin color is not one of the things that have made it harder.
I know that many of us have been having these conversations and doing the work for a while now, because racism and brutality are not new. But this time, it’s different. This time, there is an electricity in the air that is going to spark real change. I know because of the US House representatives I know (especially those that are WOC). I know because I see people showing up who have never shown up before. I know because people are finally starting to put their egos aside and plant the seeds and do the work and attempt the daunting task of unlearning. Things are difficult and uncomfortable right now. But they have ALWAYS been like this for Black people. ALWAYS. Since the very beginnings of this capitalist empire known as “The United States of America” that was built by slaves on Turtle Island.
People are FINALLY starting to wake up and realize that we need to work in a sustainable way and keep pressure on the system in order to make permanent change. And we will not leave anyone behind. Our quest to stop racism at its source may require this again and again and again for every group of marginalized people. But this is the first substantial step in a very long time, and in order for those changes to be effective, we also need to change society’s mindset. It is our job as allies to start having those difficult conversations with people that we deeply care for. It is okay if you need to walk away from a conversation in order to protect your energy and health, but challenging the ideas that have been in our families for generations is one small step toward LASTING change that our Black relatives have been owed for an unacceptable amount of time.
