Feeling your being
I’m scared to write this article because I don’t know how it will end up. So I’m sitting here and writing to you out of a space of not knowing. What does it mean not to know? Well, I don’t know. For me, most of the time, it means experiencing my own fear. My fear wants to tell me something, it wants to show me something I might have ignored for a while. Hence, what I’m doing while writing this is to listen to my fear. I stop the chattering in my mind because it won’t bring me even one step further. If I start thinking and trying to figure out my life in my mind, I won’t be able to write a single word. There will be too many reasons why I can’t write anything to you. So for the sake of this article, I leave the worrying about grammar to my mind and focus on my fear’s voice.
I start listening to it, and before I even have total silence in my head, I start feeling connected to myself and to this beautiful loving and caring being I have inside of me. And that’s my starting point, it’s what my fear tells me: “connect with yourself”. I have had the experience of disconnecting from myself, of Low Drama and stories taking over my days. Right now, it’s not the time for that. Right now is the time for being. That is what my fear is telling me! It’s time to create more space for myself, time to listen to my being and be. What does it mean, being with my being? Again, I don’t know. Right now, I create a connection with myself, listen to my feelings and then listen to the silence following them. Being with myself can be quite silent. Until suddenly, there are more feelings — feelings that tell me what I really want. Feelings that make me aware of what I don’t want. Right now, for example, I don’t want to watch Netflix because I feel bored about doing so, and because it keeps me numb and stops me from doing what really matters. These silent conversations inside me help me to stay present, become and stay myself, get to know myself and be authentic and act out of integrity.
To come to this place where I can just be with myself and start getting to know myself, I first had to get rid of the assumption that being with myself, all alone, was something bad and disrespectful to the person I live with. I had to understand that being with my being does not mean endless giving. For a very long time, I held the assumption that my being had no boundaries and would do anything for those I love — at any time. What I didn’t let myself feel was that this assumption meant that I sacrificed everything that was important to myself — and my being — in order to help. I slipped into the identity of others in just a second. At some point, this whole construct wasn’t helping me anymore — I ended up being unable to fulfil anyone’s wishes or needs, and I thought I was a complete failure because I couldn’t solve other people’s problems anymore. This construct brought a smell of rotten pears into my life. I was exhausted all the time, and I experienced again and again that it didn’t help people when I helped them, because the only way they could solve their problems was by helping themselves. So there I was — not really knowing who I was, because I was using up such a big part of my energy slipping into the identity of every person that needed my help. I wasn’t aware that there was only limited space inside of me — not enough for all those people and myself. I needed this construct to survive and as a consequence a part of my being had to stay hidden in a different place and wait for me to call it back. For a very long time, I was not aware that I was actually solving other people’s problems, I didn’t know that I was filled up with other people and I didn’t know that a part of me was missing. Only when it became more and more painful and my life and my emotions got out of control, I realised that something was missing. I started to smell something different, something like roses and fluffy cotton. I couldn’t have imagined how much more energy my 5 bodies have when it’s just myself inside of me. I couldn’t have imagined how much I actually am able to do and to create. I couldn’t have imagined how ready I am to do my work — to do what really matters. Until I called my being back.
And here I am. Becoming aware of myself and the work that needs to be done. Of the responsibility that needs to be taken. Waking up! And while all this and more is going on inside me, I feel our planet, I feel Gaia. I feel connected to this planet’s creatures. I stop for a moment; sadness is coming up and I wonder…
What is all this really about? What is life really about for those creatures out there?
My experience is that many people believe a good life needs a PLAN and huge amounts of money; having a good life means having an expensive house, a wife with the most expensive jewellery around her neck and two or three children who do exactly what they expect them to do and are exactly what they want them to be. They take their own constructs and race their children so they would live in constructs similar to theirs. The lifestyle of patriarchy!
I wonder again… why would I want to have children who do exactly how I tell them? Why would I be proud of my child if it fulfils my own dreams of life? Why would I want them to take my identity and keep being my slave until I die so they can finally be free and maybe try to get themselves known? Why would I put them in such a prison? Why would I keep myself in such a prison? Why would I put expectations out of the patriarchy construct on my wife or husband? To me, this whole idea sounds so old it’s become mouldy!!
Start imagining how much love there could be between you, your wife or husband and your children if they could just be themselves around you while you stay centred and yourself? If the expectations about your kids and family would be left behind and if listening came instead of condemnation and watching instead of punishment. The result might be surprising. Maybe you can even create a space for your whole family in which you leave conditional love, emotional wounds and problems of your daily life behind. Getting from a space of ordinary love to an extraordinary or archetypal family space. And maybe you will even be surprised by yourself and by your being. When you try something new and create a whole new situation there is a magical ingredient involved: a new decision. Every three seconds you have the possibility of making a totally new decision — three seconds later there is the next opportunity to make the next decision. That creates the freedom of movement and the possibility to try something completely new, something nobody knows yet, something this world hasn’t seen before. So, don’t you think it could be a refreshing experience and experiment to leave your expectations of your family, your friends, your roommates, yourself behind? Create a being space with the purpose to get to know your being and the beings around you. What can you lose? In case you don’t like how it turns out there is always the magical ingredient of making a new decision to create another space. When you do this, be careful that your gremlin or box aren’t using the cover of making a new decision to play with the people around you. If you let them, they will destroy the space and it won’t be safe enough for beings to show up!
Life feels more alive when doing experiments and trying something new. Each experiment we do gives us a chance to learn something new and to integrate new thoughtware. To commit to an experiment you need anger and without fear to help you create it and to take a small risk, it wouldn’t be an experiment.
As an experiment, you can create a “No Expectations Day” for your family (or whoever you’re living with) and see what happens. A No Expectations Day can only be created by you and your honest commitment to the purpose of this day. Don’t create a fake space that allows unconscious expectations, gremlin or bullshit to have a place.
To prepare the day, get your family (or roommates, etc.) together in a circle two days before the “No Expectations Day” begins. For one hour, work out a deal together. Get a small object — for example a tiny heart made of glass — that serves as a microphone and moderator. That means, the one who holds the object is the one who speaks. Everyone else listens. No mumbling, no “but”s, no “aaaah”s, no nothing — just listen! You go first and introduce your plan to the circle. Tell them: “I found out that the routines we’re living in are carried by a whole lot of expectations between all of us. I want to change the way we live together and as the first step I want to do the “No Expectations Day” experiment together with you.” Be gentle with yourself, tell them that you didn’t know that your experience of life had been controlled by your own expectations and that now it is time to create something new. Then, invite every single person in the room to share their expectations about the others and themselves and what they feel about those expectations. Everyone else just listens. Let them speak as long as they want.
The No Expectations Day is meant to be a day of being-together. So, after everyone had time to speak, do a second round in which everyone shares what they would like to do together as a family. Possible activities would be playing a board game or going for a walk together or cooking together or making a mess in the living room together. Every member of your family chooses one activity and you do them. That will be your schedule for the Day. Make sure that there is a specific time for each activity and no one gets left out. If everybody has had their turn and is okay with all activities, make a deal out of it! You do that by shaking hands.
For the whole day, reserve a part of your table for a stack of white paper and a few pens. Whenever one of you senses that an expectation about anyone in the room (including yourself) is coming up, write it down. Put it on the table and make it visible, don’t let those expectations ruin your day!
It’s easy to underestimate the presence needed to hold space for that day and the unconscious expectations that might come up during it. If you sense that you need to do some transformational work before you can hold space for it — do it! If you sense that you need your partner or your friend to help you with it, make a deal with them! One example would be to share the time of space holding. Shake hands!
In fact, as I’m writing to you, I myself am in the middle of an experiment and all I can say is that it has been unexpected and unpredictable. It wakes me up! It is High Level Fun!! And suddenly, there is a next step for me to make. A next risk to take. A next moment to live.
So whatever kind of experiments you’re doing in your life — enjoy!!