My Thinking Addiction
The story of how I finally escaped my mind.
A reflection by Songya Kesler, Leadership Consultant & Coach
“Let me think about it.”
Have you ever used this phrase? I certainly have. Sometimes it’s just a nicer way of saying, “no,” other times it’s my way of saying, “I’m not ready yet.” Every time, it is an excuse. It means that I am not comfortable or confident enough with my thoughts and emotions to express them fully in that moment, so I blurt out a phrase that serves as my escape route to avoidance.
While I view my mind as my protector, it is also my enslaver, and a very strong enslaver at that. Want to win an argument with me? — appeal to my logic. For years, I was so consumed by thought that I became utterly unaware of the possibility of not thinking. I am because I think. How could there be anything different? In an endless cycle, my existence became so enmeshed with my thoughts that I was unable to grasp any other reality — the grasping of which is itself predicated on a thought. In short, I was addicted to thinking.
Addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Yes, we can be addicted to thinking. In fact, many people reading this article will not fully understand the extent of their addiction because they are so stuck in thought (as I used to be) that it will prevent them from grasping the unknowable. In an effort to appeal to that part of us that is beyond logic, I have a story to share.
Me? I’m Not Crazy
While walking through the streets of the SOMA district in San Francisco, I came upon a man who was having a bit of trouble. His appearance was unkempt, his attire lacking logic, and he was speaking quite loudly to no one in particular (and sometimes to inanimate objects).
I logically knew that it would be safer for a young female such as myself to label this person as “a crazy homeless guy,” and walk away, but something drew me to him. My mind started churning. “What are you doing, Songya? You should walk away. This could be dangerous. But it is broad daylight and there are many people around. Maybe it will be ok. What’s the harm? He’s just a guy. Maybe he’ll hurt you. But he probably won’t. You’re totally overthinking it.”
As I approached, his words became audible. I was surprised to notice that despite his disheveled appearance and manner of speaking, his words were quite coherent. “How could you do that to her, Roger? You’re a horrible person. No one should ever be treated that way. How could you? Now you’ve lost a friend. A good friend.” Through his open, unfiltered self-chastisement, it struck me that we were doing the same thing.
I was stunned. I was one of the crazy people, talking to myself just as he was talking to himself.
The only difference being that I had the self control and good sense to keep my thoughts in my head while he was speaking his thoughts out loud. Nonetheless, it does not change the fact that I was talking to myself, only silently.
Make It Stop
Soon after, I started noticing that it never stops. Like the aunt who never stops talking, my brain never stopped thinking. While I had momentary glimpses of peace and freedom (usually while engaging in physical activity or creative work), it was always fleeting.
Thoughts are a constant river, sometimes turbulent, sometimes gentle, but always flowing through the mind.
How do I calm these thoughts? How do I control my mind so that the river consistently flows gently? Much in the same way a surfer rides a wave or an artist creates a painting — through awareness, acceptance, and surrender.
I became aware that I was using my mind as a scapegoat to avoid my general unhappiness and lack of self-worth. Once identified, I rode my urges, thoughts, and emotions as a surfer might ride a wave, allowing them to play out and guide me, relinquishing all control. Once fully surrendered, the weight they carried diminished, and the subsequent thoughts evaporated, leaving a beautiful canvas of peace and serenity.
Peace At Last
You might have heard people say, “I feel at peace knowing that . . . “ I call bullshit. We feel at peace when we choose to feel at peace, and peace comes from being. Thinking takes us away from being. Therefore thinking prevents us from having peace. However, a thinking addiction is not something we can “fix” in a greater effort to obtain peace.
Addiction is not the problem, it is the symptom.
We typically think of unwanted emotions and thoughts as roadblocks or annoyances. In actuality, they are messages from our subconscious that something is not right. They are symptoms of a deeper misalignment in our intuition.
The rise of addiction is a symptom of a deeper sickness in the way we live — constantly directing our gaze towards the next shiny object we should buy, rather than the human beings all around us. — Johann Hari
If you also suffer from an over-active mind, ask yourself: “What is the real problem? What am I avoiding? What is my subconscious trying to tell me?” These questions are your guiding compass to the root cause of your addiction. It is always easy to jump right into deep introspection, so begin the practice of being with the four methods below:
- Connect to another human being — call a friend with no agenda in mind. Simply be there for them, listening, connecting, and absorbing their presence. The key is to bask in their company, absent thought.
- Connect with nature — hike in the mountains, run in the forest, surf in the ocean, or swim in a river. Allow yourself to be in awe of the vast and beautiful earth around you.
- Connect to creativity — play an instrument, draw, paint, dance, or write. Tap into that part of you that is a channel for creation, that is pure flow, pure consciousness, and pure lucidity.
- Meditate — Eckart Tolle describes this beautifully. He states: “Meditation is not the practice of ‘not-thinking,’ but rather the practice of learning to control your mind.” If unconscious thinking implies a complete lack of control (like a boat floating aimlessly in the ocean), then meditation allows you to become aware of and harness the mind (like an airplane flying over the ocean).
Every addiction is the symptom of a misalignment in the subconscious. What causes you to throw yourself into habits or practices that you know are bad for you? Unhappiness, self-sabotage, lack of human connection, or unconsciousness are all possible culprits. As the sole creator and primary influencer in your life, the onus falls upon you to discover the answer. What is your thinking addiction trying to tell you?
Songya is a Leadership Consultant & Executive Coach, based in Berlin who works with leaders to become the best version of themselves. She has an engineering MS & BS from Stanford and an MBA from Cambridge Judge. Get to know her better through her newsletter, where she shares learnings, inspiration, and meditations that address the myriad of troubles facing today’s leaders.
