Montreal… and feminism… and me

On December 6, 1989, 14 women were murdered at L’Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal. Why? Just for being women. For being, as their attacker called them, “FEMINISTS.”

On December 6, 1992, I was asked to speak at one of the annual candlelight vigils at the women’s center in Kelowna, where I was teaching at the time (I think it was my second year teaching!). I was 25 or so, and I was, apparently, a good role model for the town’s young women. I held my candle, I talked about feminism for a while, and then I went home… to a chronically (emotionally and verbally) abusive relationship. He only hit me once. Only.

On December 6, 2011, I remember telling my daughter and (then) stepdaughters about the Montreal Massacre. I spoke with them about why feminism shouldn’t be a dirty word, about why they should be proud to call themselves feminists. At the time, I was in yet another emotionally/verbally abusive relationship (old patterns were hard to break…).

Today, on December 6, 2015, I will light a candle, as I always do. I will think about those 14 young women, who never got to live their lives. I will think about the life I’ve lived, and the mistakes I’ve made, and my determination to support the many incredible young women I know as they work to build strong careers and healthy relationships.

I will give myself a pat on the back for FINALLY learning that I deserve much more from a relationship than those men were willing or able to offer me — for finally starting to bring my own life choices in line with the feminist rhetoric that always came so easily to me, even when my own life was the complete opposite of everything I was talking about.

Please take a few minutes to remember these 14 women, and all the others who have been hurt and killed for the crime of being female.

And please, PLEASE, take another few minutes to look at your own life, to examine the choices you’re making, and to be sure that your rhetoric matches your reality.