Thank you for saying that. And yes, I find it weirdly liberating to be able to reasonably spend time acknowledging the inevitability of death, without seeming morbid or crazy. It is constantly forcing me to appreciate the beauty and love around me, even in amongst the pain and suffering.
It pains me to hear that the ongoing treatment has been so difficult, I hope that you can find ways to take care of yourself and keep in contact with your core. Having had long term hormonal treatment I am well aware of how these things can reduce me, but I am hopeful that with diet, meditation and occasional bouts of screaming into a pillow, I will get through the next decade on these meds!
Sending you my best, I hope we both live long and prosperous lives.