When quitting is good for you

I am a recovering perfectionist. I am 26 years old and in the last 10 years I did not have a fully free summer vacation. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to do. I took on extra projects, summer internships, I was the head of my year during studies. I was the perfect student, worker and daughter. Every day I did my best. On the days when I did not do my best, I beat myself up and I thought I should do that. Beating myself up for being unperfect was supposed to act as my motivation to become more perfect on the next day.
I thought I could do it all. Be a writer, be a translator, be a perfect student, have a half-time job while studying on two majors at once and running an extra-curricular study group. Participating in every project, taking up every opportunity and course I could. Between all that I was trying to: loose weight (even tough I didn’t really need to), run a 10k run, do joga, ride horses, meditate, write a book (or two), set up ideal morning and evening routines, give up sweets, give up television, try to travel the world. I am not saying those goals are bad. I just turned them all into obligations. I worked and worked and worked without breaks. And I wondered — why do I get sick so often? Why do I catch colds so easily? It annoyed me. My body was wiser than me. It told me I couldn’t do it all. But I wouldn’t listen.
Until that day when I landed in a tidy, white corridor of a private health-care clinic, waiting to be invited inside the office… of a psychiatrist. I went so far with my inhuman expectations of myself that I landed in a psychiatrist office. I was chronically nervous. I was nervous even when I was sitting on a couch and had no objective reason to be stressed. I still felt tense. My body got so used to tension that it became its default mode. The psychiatrist proposed an antidepressant to help with tension and fear.
After agonizing over this for a couple of days, I decided not to take it. I finally started to listen to my body, to my gut and it told me that I can handle it myself. I didn’t need medication. But I definitely needed massive action (or massive lack of action in my case) and a huge change of perspective. So I chose therapy.
I started thinking — what could I do to feel normal again? What could I do right now to be less nervous, less tense? First answer that came was — quit whatever you think you have to do. The second answer was — quit your job, ASAP.
So I quit. I was scared, but for the sake of my mental health, I did it. My perfectionism brought me to the verge of a mental disfunction. So I needed to quit it. And I started to slowly let things slide. Apartment was not perfectly shiny? Who cares? I will take a walk today. I did not do all the tasks at work? Who cares? I am changing this job anyway ( I know now that my boss will have to hire two people to take over all my obligations! And here I was giving it my 150% and still not sure if I deserved a raise). I couldn’t do my morning or evening routine? Who cares? I will just take a bath and chill.
And those tiny, little steps are bringing me closer and closer to sanity. I quit my job because I want to feel normal again. I want to do something I am passionate about. I still don’t know what that is, but it is definitely better than what I am leaving behind. I am excited to discover what lies ahead.
“Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It’ll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called “perfection,” which will open the doors to the most important relationships you’ll ever be a part of.”
― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
Take-aways:
- Do not be like me. Do not allow perfectionism to rule your life.
- It’s better to start listening to your body’s wisdom before you land at the doctor’s office with an antidepressant prescription or a serious illness. Listen to your body.
- Quitting may be the quickest way back to sanity. Quitting your job, or quitting your 100 hobbies/side hustles you think you need to do in order to be worthy.
- After you quit everything you think you need to do — you can finally get clarity on what you really WANT to do. You cannot do that too soon.
I am curious if anyone else here is a recovering perfectionist like me?
