An Essential Mindset: You Are Not Your Thoughts
I want to share something personal with you today. I was reminded of it during a client session and, rather than share her story, I thought I would share mine.
I did not think that I would survive divorce. During the early days, when all hope of saving my marriage was gone, and when I finally accepted that he wanted to leave me, I thought that I would not survive.
During the initial stages of divorce the pain in my heart was deep; I felt stabbed in my heart and gut. I did not eat or sleep well. I did not comprehend what was going on nor what I needed to do next in terms of taking care of my family.
It was the mental anguish that was the worst for me and I know that this aspect is tender for a lot of you too. The thoughts “You are replaceable.” or “You are unworthy.” or “Well, look at you, failing at something again!” — those thoughts which spun in my head — were loud and harsh and never seemed to want to stop tormenting me.
And they tormented me because I believed them. Because I accepted them as undeniable, categorical evidence for the “truth” statements relentlessly repeated in my head.
But were any of them true?
Well, yes, I have failed in my life. I have sat an exam for which I was ill-prepared, and hoped that I would receive 1% just for writing my name. Not stellar behaviour and I did fail that exam. It was also the last exam I ever failed. Since then, I study. I am in the top 1 percentile for my coaching exams.
Is a marriage ending a failure? This concept (socially accepted truth) causes so much pain and distress. A marriage is sacred; two hearts did once beat as one, futures were planned over lazy Sunday brunch. And now that is over.
“Time does not heal wounds; we do.” ~ Katherine Woodward Thomas
When words hurt you, it is time to challenge the words, to dis-empower them and detach from them, because emotions follow words in fractions of a second and the emotions generated by thoughts like the ones I had did not feel good, helpful, or hopeful.
I am not a failure. My actions and choices might be.
My marriage is not a failure. So much good was created out of it, even if it ended.
One sentence breaks your heart and shuts you down. The other might cause some guilt initially, but offers a way forward, a possibility for something good to emerge.
Challenging your thoughts isn’t easy. We are so used to accepting the words in our head to be true. But those words, those interpretations of events, can colour your life a mucky grey (the shade my children created when they mushed all the paint colours together). With that programme operating, you delete, distort, and misinterpret so much.
So your mindset shift is to challenge all sentences and phrases that hurt you.
This isn’t possible sometimes though because during the initial stages of a breakup, many of us are flooded and overwhelmed. And if that is you, my heart goes out to you because I’ve been there.
When the voice comes into your head and before you act out because you can’t contain it, say “ I am safe.” Your mind cannot focus on two sentences so keep it busy with “I am safe” until you feel a little calmer. Don’t be surprised if that takes hours.
- If you are safe, your breathing will be even and deep. So count for 4 as you inhale and 4 as you exhale while mentally reciting “I am safe.”
- If you are safe, you will close your eyes and soften them. So blink slowly a few times. Roll your eyes in circles whilst keeping your head still.
This example is the difference between being trapped in a fixed mindset (this is how I am and I can’t change) and embracing a growth mindset (this is how things are right now and I can behave differently or learn how to make this better).
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” ~ Samuel Johnson
Trust me you have the potential within you to change the false statements in your head. Divorce is not the end of your life, unless you let it be so.
