How to Set Goals During a Breakup or Divorce

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them — that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~ Lao Tzu

At any stage of a breakup, whether you realise it or not, you are setting goals and making choices.

In the early stages, your goal might be to figure out how to end the suffering and be happy again. Your focus might be on getting your former partner to return to you. Or your goal might be to negotiate a satisfactory settlement and if you have children, their well-being is also an important concern.

Some clients come to me with a list of goals; others feel overwhelmed and confused. Being directionless at this stage in their life leaves them feeling anxious and powerless.

A breakup is a loss, and, as such, all of us will need to honour that fact and accept that we will go through the stages of grief. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and, the sixth stage (described so eloquently by David Kessler ), which is meaning.

Breakups can be heartbreaking, even devastating, and the pain of it can be almost unbearable. Under these circumstances, of course it is impossible to think clearly about your future or desire much else beyond “I want this pain to end and the overthinking to stop.”

Clarity. Decide clearly and precisely what you need and want.

At any stage of a breakup, whether you are going through it now or the divorce is in your past and you are still recovering, you need to make decisions and choices for yourself and your children.

What can make doing that so difficult is that all the mental noise and emotions cloud your ability to think clearly.

Clarity means that you have the space to reflect, consider, and be a creative problem solver.

Clarity means that you can stand up and negotiate with authority and wisdom.

Clarity is your first goal during a breakup or divorce.

What do I need and want — both now and in my future?

Clarity needs you to be more specific about what you want.

A goal of ‘happiness’ or ‘for the pain to end’ is too vague and, because of that, your chances of achieving it are low.

You need to give your mind something to focus on instead of ruminating and worrying. Your heart needs to feel connection and belonging, and time to process grief and loss. Your gut needs to know that you are safe and that your basic needs will be met.

During the early stages of my separation, I realised that what I meant by being happy included:

· supporting my children so that they did not have to bear the burden of their parents’ choices

· rebuilding my sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence

· to feel safe and free to love

· to be able to financially support myself

· to have a clear mind

· to forgive myself and him

· to regain my health

As you can see, even the goals I shared above can be made more specific. But they are a beginning and that is the most important factor.

At this stage, you don’t need to know how to achieve your goals. Your job in creating them is to listen within and choose only what is important and valuable to you. Don’t let yourself get stuck in the “how to” element of your goal. Your mind loves to dismiss a goal on those grounds.

If you had no challenges in achieving your goal, and no one is around to judge your choices, what would you choose?

Who must I become in order to achieve my goals?

I believe that a breakup or a divorce can be an opportunity for learning and growth. This idea has helped many of us find meaning in endings.

The journey, therefore, is as important as the destination.

The self-awareness I had to acquire to be able to support my children meant that there were life lessons for me to learn. I needed to improve my communications skill and learn how to set new boundaries with my former partner. I learned how to manage my feelings about the way I had been treated so that my children were free to be with their father.

The wealth of what I learned was greater than the final outcome of my goal. I used my marriage to teach me lessons in self-love, self-compassion, and what I deeply wanted to experience from life and love.

Thinking about your breakup, what meaning can you make from it and how do you need to evolve in order to achieve your goals and dreams for your life?

Break each goal down into the smallest step possible and do only that.

Each step along the way is important and valuable. When you are in pain or in grief it is normal to view your goals as too difficult to achieve and too overwhelming to contemplate.

I am reminded of the following quote:

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

A breakup heralds the birth of independence and self-expression for so many people. It is often not an easy or simple journey. Sometimes growth needs time, patience, and effort.

My own story, and that of my clients, has taught me to trust the growth process. So much healing is possible as you take responsibility for yourself and reclaim your power.

Hearts open, wisdom is visible, and we are not a version of ourselves which our former partner would recognise.

If a goal seems too large to accomplish, write down each goal as a series of smaller achievable mini goals or practices. Mini goals from my clients include:

· spending 30 minutes on RightMove to look at house options

· meditating or practicing gratitude for 5 minutes

· accepting one invitation out with friends

· reducing the binge eating chocolate by half a bar moving forward

Firstly, the goal needs to be small and seem doable in the time frame set and, secondly, each step demands a celebration or acknowledgement of your success.

Right now, when life seems flooded with loss, pain, and failure, your job is to rebuild a boundary around that flood — to shore up the banks and contain that flood until the water level falls back to normal.

Successes, both large and small, can help you to do that. So, create many stones by breaking down your goals into smaller steps and place each hard stone into the flood wall mindfully. You have earned every one. They are all valuable and deserve celebration.

Choose your support team wisely.

A key factor to ensure success for your breakup or divorce journey is to surround yourself with a support group. The group needs to support you with wisdom, love, and acceptance and the fire you need to survive and thrive.

Who in your life can be a part of that system?

When you create your team think about your support team for the breakup. For me, a coach was essential for compassionate support as well as fierce wisdom when needed. Your financial and legal team needs to be strong as well.

Your friends and family can also be invaluable at this time. Some of them can help you practically with the chores that your ex used to perform, for instance, or they can help you if you are a parent.

Some of your friends and relatives might be very wise, while others will make you laugh or will buddy with you at the gym.

It is important to be clear about who you want in your group and what their purpose is.

If your intention is to move on from your breakup or divorce, then think about what that actually means for you.

Setting your goals is the first step towards creating a new future. Get specific about how you want to feel, what you want to do, and who you want to be.

Then ask yourself: “How/what/where do I need to change to make this happen?

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I am grateful for your connection and I hope the piece was of service to you.

More from Sonyan White, Breakup and Divorce Coach