Letter to a lost lover

Thursday, 4 June 2020, 9:40pm, in bed, at home, in London

It’s been a month since the break up, and the last time we talked, live, on a video call. Just like a few months ago, we could see each other, visit, if we wanted to. I’m not sure I want to suggest that to you, the same way I was sure some 3 weeks ago. If I were to make that suggestion you would probably think and say that it’s still not safe/right to do so. And honestly, I’m okay with that, I can wait. But also, honestly, I’m a bit disappointed in you. You gave up pretty easily. I’m quite sure it was probably a mix of your pride, with some annoyance at the unfairness of it all, and the fact our circumstances were so different in this stupid situation, but I can’t think of a better way of testing the cracks than this, and our main crack just gave way. I couldn’t keep you happy, and you couldn’t let me help. Maybe it was indeed like you said, and you just weren’t interested. Maybe I am a bit boring. But if you were to read what I wrote before, you would see that I think you’re a bit boring, we did almost nothing every time I went up to visit. You think games aren’t cool, “mandatory fun”. What is fun, then? You never really let me show you kinds of fun, or maybe I was too passive and didn’t do as much as I could when I visited. I don’t usually drink, and the wine at night used to make me sleepy, also I always wake up early, usually earlier than you. Except when I was sleeping with you… Maybe I had really bad breath in the morning and you never got the guts to tell me? That’s very possible, now that I think about it. You should have said…

I do miss you, and I did really like being with you. I worry about you, I’ve no idea how you’ve been living this past month, how little you are probably eating. In a way it’s one less worry for me, keeping a relationship alive and moving, I’m sure you feel the same too, plus the not having to deal with my random meltdowns about career, job, hobbies… those probably sounded really ridiculous to you and your not knowing if you’ll have a house next month or money to eat. And honestly, really, that’s on your pride, because we could be together and I could pull us through this one. You really don’t have to do everything on your own, not when you’re with someone. What the hell is a relationship for, if not for the bad times? Sure, nice to be around when everything is fine and you have some free time to hang around, but I prefer being together everyday and building something that is ours, rather than just yours and just mine. You had plenty to show me and teach me, and I was so keen and ready to take it all in. And I don’t know, maybe I also had good things to show you, and I definitely could have given you a little comfort during these shitty times, since it wasn’t shitty at all for me.

But anyway, supposedly you didn’t like me as much as I liked you. Maybe I didn’t show off as much as you’d like, maybe I was too quiet and humble at your family’s get together, maybe you wanted me to be more of a trophy in that weekend, and surely that awkward bloody sex scene didn’t help at all. I’m glad that wasn’t the last time we were together, that would’ve been a really shitty last time. But I’m sad because I don’t remember our last time. There was probably nothing special about it, because at least I didn’t think it would be the last. We woke up pretty early on a Monday, after a rainy Sunday without trains, and you dropped me off at the station maybe around 8am. I know this happened, but I can’t remember the details, and that just pains me.

Anyway, it’s been a month since you decided not to talk to me anymore, and I now think about you less and less every day. But I’m still semi-hopeful, and still haven’t moved on. If you wanted, I would still give us a chance. I have quite the carefree attitude, but when I’ve decided you’re my person, I do really stick by you. And you challenged me to do that, and I did. You’re the one who threw it up and gave up. And I’m not convinced by the reason you gave me. Maybe I will indeed suggest that we meet up again soon.

I’ve decided to publish my journal. It’s not an everyday thing but has helped me think things through. Perhaps others might find it helpful or entertaining..?