Since a very young age I was handle a very large amount to responsibility, which only grew bigger with the years, this has made me very mature since I was a little girl. But it was not because I wanted to, it was because I had to, I had no choice. I had to be brave, stand by my moms side, look after myself, look after my sister, cook, wash dishes, lock the door, and act like if it was normal to do everything I was doing at 8 years old.
While living alone I realized that this maturity came with a price, the price was to fuck up more ofter than others, and the reason of it was because I would assume a responsibility that wasn’t mine, or I would take on one I wasn’t ready to handle. Which leads on fuck ups, but it was also a learning experience, cause I would learn from every mistake, and that was beautiful, that was growing up .
But it also came with some very useful perks like being super centered about life and shit, having a life plan, or knowing what to do with my degree, having a propuse in life, have short and long term goals, with a very clear opinion in mind. Because of it everyone at work always thought I was older cause the way I managed myself, but I was the youngest. Also in my family, friends group or school I was cataloged with this label of “MATURE” .
And probably one of the best compliments made by a guy towards me has been “You’re the most down on earth girl I have ever meet”, which beats the classic “You’re beautiful” while making out with some one. And just to be clear I did’t even kiss the guy who trow the best compliment. (This guy was a very hot and around his late 20’s lad I meet in a coffee shop, and I looked terribly, he worked there and loved my accent, so he asked for my number which I very pleased gave him, this lead to a few dates but nothing happen cause he was struggling with addictions, ohh a tried to cover a hickey from me on the last date.. so I walked out)
But as I moved back home, the responsibilities were again no only for my wellbeing but for others. and of course I would take them because that was what I was programed for. But now is different cause I’m not a little kid trying to take care of her sister, now I have to make sure the business bills will not accumulate, check on the company balance ever 2 days, make sure everyone is getting pay, and that everyone pays. But the thing is THIS are not really my responsibilities, I shouldn’t be put all the stress this is causing me because, I took this year off of college and I should take it and focus on me, on enjoying my family, on learning new things. Not on getting yelled at because I made a bad choice, or because I followed my mom’s instruction without asking. Or why I didn’t I got the money on time.
My grandma was explaining to me the other night how she managed my dad at the begging of the business, she made it clear she was helping but she was no employee, how she ignored my dad for weeks after he tried to yell at her. And this week after another, “how did you messed up this, while I was here watching you doing and didn’t say a word” episode, i told my mom the exact same thing, I’m only trying to help out here, I’m not an employe, I do not follow orders, and I think you both should be grateful you can rely on me on some simple things, but you have to ask nicely, and communicate with me so we’re all on the same channel.
And even when my maturity level is on the high against others my age, you shouldn’t assume I know how to handle everything or every situation.
I would very much like to take the credit I deserve, to be respected for who I’m, to be treated kindly in my own family, to not be put down in my own house, to recognize my knowledge and capacities, and to ask if I can manage the situation is given to me.
This month has made me realize that I do really love my family, but I will never work with my dad again after this time. And I will not accept any responsibility that doesn’t affect my person directly.