How Can We Bridge the Cultural Gap?

My mom loves to tell the story about a friend’s son. The son was a very young boy when he was just beginning to learn English. He had been speaking Mandarin Chinese all of his four years up to this point.

One day, he came back home from school with a confused look on his face. “What’s the matter?” his mother asked. Innocently he replied, “How come our tóu (頭, or ‘toe’ phonetically, which means ‘head’ in Chinese) is up here, but all the other people’s “tóu” is down there?!”

We laugh when kids say the funniest things. Yet they aren’t always too far from the truth. Doesn’t it sometimes feel like we’re talking on one level, but our parents or our children are speaking at another?

Like the confusion the little boy experienced, our thoughts may be on totally opposite ends. My hope is we can bridge this cultural gap and meet not on opposite ends but somewhere in between, where we and our parents or children can relate heart-to-heart.

Here is a list of “hot potatoes” or main areas of contention that are often discreetly discussed, if at all. This is not meant to fault anyone, nor does it necessarily pertain to everyone. Rather, it’s to help us as Asian parents and children to be more aware of each other’s perspectives in order to promote truly harmonious relationships.

5 things children of Asian parents wish their parents knew:

1. I’m not you or an extension of you. I want to live my own life, what I was meant to be, rather than be forced into a mold, or be your “trophy” for display. I know you have dreams for me to be a doctor, engineer, businessperson or lawyer, and perhaps follow in your footsteps. But if that’s not my bent, I would love it if you could help me explore other possibilities and make my own choice, to discover my purpose and calling, and pursue my own dreams. Being different from you or your dreams doesn’t mean it’s bad…just different, and that’s ok.

2. Two-way communication is key. I appreciate it when you take the time to really listen to me, instead of planning your next comeback or lecture. I’m willing to hear your opinions and advice. Just remember I have opinions and feelings, too. We can agree to disagree. Please speak to me in a direct manner, not through inferences. And most of all, I need your empathy in this confusing and noisy world that we live in.

3. Good education is important, but so is my sanity. Yes, I also think it’s important to have a good education. I get it. Just not at the expense of my well-being. How is it really helpful when I’m burning the candle at both ends, or taking extra classes just so I can get into that prestigious school or “get ahead”? Stress builds up in me, and I end up getting massive stomach pains or headaches, which forces me to take time off from school. I really need a more balanced life, in which I study but can also give my brain a break for a little while, rather than be forced to take time off. Things just go better when I have some breathing room.

4. Making honest mistakes and failure is OK. Really. It is. That’s how we learn, by making mistakes and failing after we tried something. Not to mention it’s better than not trying something in order to save face but later regretting we didn’t try. We need your support through the whole process, not only when things go well. Your unspoken message to me when you are there for me, even during the failures, is you believe in me and are cheering for me. That boosts my confidence more than anything.

5. You are my role model, for better or for worse. If you want me to make good decisions, show me how to make good decisions when you have a decision to make. If you want me to respect you, show me how you respect me and other people. I get confused when, for example, you say you desire for me to be an independent thinker, but then you tell me what to do (and I’m not a little kid anymore). I also get confused when you say you want me to have integrity and good character, but then you don’t say anything to the cashier when he inadvertently forgets to charge you for an item. I’m watching you. That’s how I learn.

3 things Asian parents wish their children knew:

1. We emulated what we’ve been taught and faced pressures on numerous fronts growing up. We were living a vicious cycle (learning from our parents and society and then teaching what we learned to you, our children). If we were aware of this cycle earlier and had stepped out of it, we may likely agree with you 100%.

As you know, we come from a strong collectivistic society. Being indoctrinated with beliefs such as parents and authority figures knowing what’s better for the children (stripped of autonomy), one always appearing polished and “successful” in all areas of life, and parents using shame to discipline their children, we thought this was normal. How all children were raised. We were all told we couldn’t talk back to our parents, to respect our elders, and to work hard in school in order to get a high-paying job in an “acceptable” profession (e.g. engineer, doctor, business person, lawyer, professor). And to top it off, we had to marry an equally or more “successful” person.

But some of us are gradually realizing the high-pressured environment to keep these values is coming at a high cost. Increased levels of stress and depression in teens. Cheating on tests. Increased rates of suicide in high schools. Breakdown of marriages. The appearance of everything looking polished on the outside is slowly deteriorating and destroying us and our families on the inside.

2. We hope you would make good choices so you could live a better, more content life than we did. As a follow-on to the point above, we hope you could learn from our experiences so you could avoid the often painful or difficult situations we had to endure.

3. We really do love you. For many of us, it’s hard to express our love for you. We either have never had this modeled to us when we were young, or we just express our love in different ways. Regardless, we want you to know you mean a lot to us.

So what can we do to move towards truly harmonious family relationships?

We need to be more aware of the vicious cycle and break out of it. Watch out for assumptions and listen attentively to each other, away from distractions. Foster open communication so everyone can speak freely and truthfully, without fear of being criticized or ridiculed. Redefine what it really means to be successful, such as living your purpose, rather than working at a high-paying job just to make a lot of money, or being open to failure, so we can learn and grow as a person.

And in those areas where there is no agreement, we can agree to disagree. In short, bring the best of both western and eastern cultures together, to put our efforts and energy at doing something that we love.

Bridging the cultural gap may take some time. But it can happen. One family at a time.