My Mid-life Career Change
wrestling with the monkey mind
Since 8 years of age, I’ve always secretly wanted to be a teacher, an influencer for good in others lives, but never did. And finally the opportunity is in creation as I write and I’m pretty darned excited! I once told myself that if I’m capable of teaching my son to eat soup and green salad, or brush his teeth daily or clean up after himself, then I have essential teacher potential. After all within each adult, lies a tender “inner child” of sorts, in need of nurturing, healing and redirecting. So surely teaching can’t be that difficult right? Says she whose late mother Ruth once said …
“The sign of a great school teacher is not about a child’s grades. Rather one who inspires her pupils to become lifelong learners”.
With bias, Ruth was clearly one of those teachers! And teaching was her calling. I chose public service, banking and finance, then motherhood.
So my dilemna, tracking back over the past 12 weeks. I’m in painful daily conflict with my capricious monkey mind, and in all seriousness, the mood is tedious and dark. And the internal dialogue (which I’ll put on “loud speaker”) is laser focused on agism, patronisingisms, perfection and fear.
“You’re far too old to change career!” “The crypto tech system is for millenials not an oldie like you dear”. “Your head’s in the clouds Soph. Get back on the ground and be sensible!” “You don’t have the brain to understand complex tech structures. Your skills are in mainstream finance dear. Best you accept that!” “You need a masters in digital currencies to gain credibility. Qualifications are everything!” “You need industry connections to influence lovey and you aint got that”. “Speak on camera. You don’t even like looking at yourself in the mirror”. “You’ve been out of mainstream work for too long!” so … “Let it go love!”
And if all this wasn’t enough, the worst brain fart that trumps them all is … “You know Soph. Let’s be honest. You’ve got nothing original to say. You’re not an industry expert. You’re not a trained teacher. You’re not sufficiently researched love. So pack up quietly before you get put in your place!” This would all be completely hilarious of course, if it wasn’t all so sadly true. Forget about dealing with other peoples opinions. My monkey mind was constantly slaying my dreams.
Ouch! And so I wondered. Am I on a lonely planet of 1 or have other “midstreamers” had to likewise wrestle with their uncontrollable monkey mind before moving forward with some semblance of grace?
Zen Buddhists refer to the constant chatter of the mind as monkey mind. The Buddha held that the human mind is filled with drunken monkeys flinging themselves from tree branches, jumping around, and chattering nonstop. The mind is “unsettled, restless, capricious, whimsical, inconstant, confused, indecisive, uncontrollable”.
facts
Sound familiar? After all, a midlife career change is nothing new right? It’s a rite of passage of sorts to sagehood. Where passion, more creative if not more meaningful work, replaces the “meal ticket” so to speak. Irrespective if precipitated by the creative passion swelling within to professionally branch out, or on the other hand due to being unexpectedly “let go”, it’s an opportunity. Right?
We’ve probably all read about or know people in their 40s and 50’s leaving their corporate careers, to follow their passions. Personally, I’m counting at least 20 ex-pat friends, but living in Ubud, Bali the town is teaming with digital nomads and entrepreneurs of all ages and diverse backgrounds who know only creativity and passion. I digress.
So depending on the authoritative source, the career change stats might actually be bleak. In Australia, the Human Rights Commission enquiry 2016 showed that
“In November 2015, the average duration of unemployment for mature-age people was 68 weeks, compared with 30 weeks for 15–24-year-olds and 49 weeks for 25–54-year-olds”. The report also went on to say that “age discrimination, lack of opportunities, and the need for a steady pay cheque all conspire to keep people in their current job, even if they don’t particularly like it”.
So all in all it can be a tough call to make a midstream career change. But forget the stats, and the 5 proven “how to hacks”. It’s the 6 inches between one’s ears that yields to be conquered first.
unconsciously attracting low quality thinking
And so looking back in my case, once out of the thick of it, I wondered if at an unconscious level, I had been tapping into an abundant stream of low vibe, fear based thinking. That none of these thoughts my capricious monkey mind served me about career change were even mine to start with. They flowed through the ether like predatory free radicals. MM hacked open the “doom and gloom career change” portal with the first bummer of a thought I mentally unpacked on this topic.
Yet more painful was the realisation, that beneath my ego-centric reality, I was orchestrating this misery. Perversely, inexplicably attached to making my career change hard yakka because I held a false basic assumption. Life is hard work! So no wonder that my hopeful, joyful heart-centered declaration of career change in Feb 2017 to a bunch of BFF’s, descended into prolonged depression worthy of slitting my wrists. Otherwise life would be easy, and I don’t do easy! Sheesh!
miracles
I descend from indigenous Maori bloodstock that never gives up a dream without a good fight, tears and many prayers. To God, ancestors and angels. I ardently believe in miracles, life coaching and being open to “messages” from all aligned sources of this physical world or beyond.
And so that one conversation two days ago with a potential book publisher, really made all the difference and burns brightly still. “You know Sophie” he said. “When I first met you in 2013 you had an amazing story to tell I would have readily told it then. And I know you have an amazing story of personal transformation to be told today! Are you ready to own it and share it?”
Hale-frickin’-luia! That’s all I needed. Belief from someone who had not witnessed the dross. Who reflected back to me a sense of wonder about my life that I could finally get within my cells, within my bones. I do have a contribution to humanity to make in this world, and I can fully embrace that with all my heart.
So no. I haven’t signed on to publish my story. For now that can wait. But what I have done is break-through the self-sourced mental-emotional pain barrier.
gratitude
The promise of profound gratitude I always believed in, is mine to taste, to experience with all my senses.
I am grateful to BFFs who witnessed and empowered me to move through this implosion as gracefully as possible. To my dyad meditation family who I meet every Friday online, what an incredibly safe space to give verbal-physical-emotional form and honouring to inner turbulence. To my fabulous life coach and friend Deb who I respect enormously (ok that’s her job) for challenging my resolve with tenderness and heart. And also gratitude to an incredible male buddy Rene who reflected back with unswerving patience and clarity this simple advice “meditate”. And so as I sat in stillness, meditating, allowing, being with all that arises, the constant, looping, gnawingly depressive thinking that literally caused physical inertia between me and my dreams eventually dissolved.
No I don’t have all the details figured out. But this is what I do know. I trust in Universal providence that all will unfold perfectly, challenges and all. I trust my resolve. That I will strive to make my contribution to humanity, my new career if you will, from as much of a heart-centered place as possible from hereon in. To teach, commentate on and advocate those topics and causes I am deeply passionate about. The cryptocurrency ecosystem; consciously healing our relationship with a corrupt money system; women’s empowerment and feminine leadership; supporting projects that serve the unbanked of this world; micro-financing in developing nations; creating a peaceful world; compassionate communication and my newest intrigue, artificial intelligence.
So for now it’s goodbye to a successful 20+ years banking and finance career. The experiences, skills and competencies gained from that era, together with the enriching knowledge base from my graduate studies will not be wasted. As a resourceful person, everything of value is fair game for repurposing.
Namaste beloveds!