The Online Dating World
Which way to swipe? Right? Left? Super like him? Is this really what my life has come to? Sitting in psychology class that I (well the government and my parents) pay thousands of dollars to attend at my private liberal arts university in Pennsylvania and I stare at my phone going through Tinder once again for maybe the tenth time today. Instead of focusing on what the frontal lobe of the human brain can do I’m considering if I should just say “Heyy” to Zach or send him a gif of a seal saying “Sup” in response to his message.
I decide on the simple “heyy” and put my phone back into my pocket. An unsettling feeling rises inside me, something I had been getting for a while whenever I look at my Tinder profile. The fact that I’m 19 years old and using Tinder and the internet to find a relationship is a bit uneasy. So many of my friends can easily find a partner by just being themselves in public and throughout their various activities thats they’re involved in, yet I’m the one that’s always struggling. But with the internet wether it be Tinder or any other online dating site, how much of the real you is really there? I get mad thinking about it and by habit pull my phone back out and open Tinder and analyze my own profile. To start with, my bio clearly sums me up: communications major, where I go to school, and my love for pop punk music. The plus is that at least my pictures are of myself, many people will post pictures of themselves with a group of people and thats when you’re left to guess which one they are (8 out of 10 times they’re unfortunately not the best looking one). Of course I make sure I use the best pictures I have of myself, using one I would post on Instagram and not so much the embarrassing ones I would normally send to my best friends on snapchat.
Hold on I’ll stop talking about my love life
The point is after using Tinder for such an extended amount of time I’ve become numb to most people trying to reach out to me. I’ve grown to take notice after going through hundreds of matches that many people using the app question each other on why they’re on there. There was a time where I got sick of getting the same question why did you make a tinder or what brings you on here? So I would warn people in my bio to NOT ask me that because for the most part everyone uses Tinder for one thing: hookups. That brings me to the idea we shouldn’t be looking at that Tinder as a good or bad thing, but what does Tinder and other online dating sites say about what we’re looking for and what we’re hiding from.
Why be shameful?
Talking to people about online dating is a weird touchy subject- some people don’t like the idea and some embrace it. When I’ve met boys off of Tinder and told my parents about them my mother would always question why I can’t meet a boy without the internet’s help and like many men and women online dating happens to be accessible to them in their busy daily lives. So why do people degrade those who use online dating? There’s numerous websites- ranging from Tinder (which is known for causal hookups), to OkCupid (fitting for causal dating) and sites like Match.com where members pay a monthly 42 dollars in hopes to find a partner to build a relationship with.
Websites like Match.com tend to have at least a better reputation than the other two sites mentioned. Why? One reason is because it is known widely for being one of the best places to go for online dating because the people on the site are paying for what they’re getting and what they want to get is a relationship. The company also does a great job revamping the idea and concept of online dating- trying to create a more acceptable society to online dating.
Despite the numerous love stories that come from relationships that started online, the virtual dating world encounters still have a bad reputation especially with the horror stories from Craigslist encounters, individuals begin to get a misrepresentation of what online dating is and what it can do. Someone has to have the thought in their head Of course online dating has bad reputations! You’re meeting a stranger you barely know! This is where I begin to wonder where the fear in online dating is? I can scroll through my matches on Tinder and pick off the ones I’ve met and the ones I haven’t. Everyone has their reasons to pick and choose who they decide to meet online, but as a woman it can get a little tricky. As mentioned before people create a different persona of themselves online so the uneasy feeling of not knowing what you’ll actually be dealing with when you meet a person can be stressful. Along with the repeating question what if they’re a serial killer (thank god I have yet to have that problem), but the questions continue to pile up as you wonder who in the world could be waiting for you at the cafe you two planned to meet at, and what’s he’s story?
It’s not just online dating that can be scary but also dating in general. Going out with someone you don’t know much about, especially as a woman, a wall is always up. Trying to study your date as he works to impress you (I would hope) wondering if his intentions are sincere or not. Louis CK sums up the concept of dating during on of his stand up shows. CK brings up the fact that men can be a danger to women yet they still choose to take the chance to go out with a man, even though he can potentially be a threat. Dating is a risk when you don’t know the person well.
So is it safe?
You’re probably thinking, how can you determine if online dating is safe or not (if you’re not thinking that well now you are). In the words of my mother “No Sophie- the internet is dangerous, meeting strangers you don’t know is not okay. We’ve taught you better.” But what I try to get across to my mother is that isn’t everyone a stranger before you meet them? What’s the difference between an online stranger and one on the street? Nothing. With someone online you’re given the opportunity to talk to them and get to know them, determine by the conversations you have with them if you want to pursue meeting them face to face. The question of if they’re who they say they are can easily be answered by asking to Snapchat or video chat with them (which I highly recommend). This online stranger can quickly become a well known acquaintance and in some cases (like long distance online relationships) a partner without yet meeting face to face.
“I’ve never been ashamed of using the Internet to find dates. Women are very methodical and online dating gives you a sense of control over your romantic destiny. You can approach and screen men, and visa versa,” (Munez).
With the concept of online dating websites can provide users with information about others that they find interesting, typically what they do to a living, hobbies, etc. which is easier than going up to someone in a bar and just when you think it’s going well you two butt heads over politics or something in the news.
The Swipe
The decision of who is worth your time and who isn’t.
How does one decide? It’s easy- just a simple left or right swipe. (For tinder that is).
It’s simple, easy, and quick- the determining factor if you swipe right (like) or left (hell no) is based on how you feel about each person’s profile picture. One single picture can determine it all for you whether you swipe a certain way for someone and they do the same for you- if users want to see more they can click on your picture to view several others and a short (typically sarcastic) bio. In order to message people you swipe right on they have to swipe right on you as well in order to match.
That’s the tricky thing about online dating that A LOT of it all revolves around looks. If someone doesn’t find you attractive they’re not gonna take their time to read your bio and learn something about you, they’re just going to move on to the next person. This online dating phenomenon has created a conceited society which is why people tend to make sure that the pictures they have available are their best ones- hiding flaws, masking insecurities all with a filter or a little bit of photoshop. But what help is that doing if you potentially want to meet a person? People go to dates with someone they met online thinking they’re getting one thing, but turns out the guy you thought had a flawless face actually has acne scattered around his face. Why do we feel the need to better our looks to impress people we don’t even know. Why is it that a gap in your teeth or some more meat on your bones can be the be all or end all to your online dating success.
That’s when branding come in.
You’re basically selling yourself to an audience and to grab the attention of people you have to have a good brand- but also unique. With online dating you’re competing with hundreds of other people for the opposite sex’s (or same sex, whatever your preference) attention and you won’t get that by being a Plain Jane and having one basic profile picture with a short comment about your job and hobbies in your bio. You need to highlight your best features and characteristics all while still holding on to who you truly are- which happens to be the tricky part.
Chuck Kolsterman wrote an article in Esquire where he discussed the opportunity the Internet provides people in creating a new form of themselves and also helping people with low self-esteem. It was the rise of the television concept Hannah Montana that played a role in helping teens aid their self identity problems.
The show revolved around an adolescent named Miley Stewart who juggled being a pop star (Hannah Montana) along with being a normal teenager living in California. Throughout the series the actress struggles with her self identity (only her close family and friends know she’s Hannah Montana) which is also what many, not only adolescences but adults as well, deal with when creating online profiles. When discussing the Internet in his essay Klosterman states..
“...the Internet is good for the world in the short term and bad for the world in the long term. But its most meaningful impact is neutral — it provides an opportunity for average people to create public identities that are entirely their own vision. The self-portrait you upload on Facebook is what you always look like. Always. It does not matter if you’ve honestly enjoyed the movies you list as favorites or read the books you claim to love; by typing those titles, they constitute your aesthetic. Who is going to disagree?” (Klosterman).
One thing to take away from Klosterman’s essay is that these online brands are what you are online. When it comes to dating through the Internet branding should be limited, highlight your best assests but still stay true to your looks and personality to the best of your ability.
In the end
Online dating will continue to grow as years go on and technology progresses. The toll it takes on people’s social lives varies- but some are so in depth into what those online think about them that they forget they have other people in their lives, not on the Internet. The majority of the younger population is on dating services because it’s not as easy to find partners as it once was decades ago. The acceptance of online dating will allow people to not be ashamed of whether to admit that they’re wither looking for something casual, serious, or a one night stand.
Work Cited
Chamorroa- Premuzic, Thomas. The Tinder Effect: psychology of dating in the technosexual era. The Guardin. 17 Jan, 2014.
Crystal, Rebecca. The Problem with Tinder: why swiping will damage our psyches. Psych 2 Go.
Hancock, Jeffery & Toma, Catalina. Looks and Lies: the role of pyshical attractiveness in online dating self presentation and deception. Sage Journals. 37. June 2010.
Klosterman, Chuck. Myspace.com/Doppelganger. Esquire. 18 Apr. 2008.
Muenz, Joanna. The Online Dating Stigma: how do you beat it? Glamour. 18 Oct. 2010.
Ravenscraft, Eric. How to Stay Safe When Meeting Someone From the Internet. Lifehacker. 06 Aug. 2013.
Strain, Logan. Is Tinder Safe, Or Are You Swiping Into Trouble? Crime Wire. 23 Apr. 2014.
