the official sophie fairplay 2017 crush list

in a year when charli xcx told us she was busy thinkin’ ‘bout boys, i was like “damn girl, actually that’s my thing???” and to prove it to the world, here is a countdown of my top 10 crushes of the year. but first,

honorable mention: mila kunis’ shiny hair, “a bad moms christmas”

i cut off 6 inches of my hair immediately after watching this movie because it will never look like mila kunis’ hair.

honorable mention: one direction, solo endeavors

anyone who knows anything knows 1d were big in the realm of my celeb obsessions over the past few years. i dutifully kept up with each of their solo careers this year, but none made the official crush list, for the following reasons:

  • niall — niall finally went with his natural brunette. it was appropriate. he also released a pleasant album of coffeehouse music. it was also appropriate.
  • liam — i think we all know what liam did this year: named his son “bear”, wore a big-ass chain and shaved his eyebrow.
  • louis — at the end of 2016, louis’ mom died of cancer. he then released a very mediocre dance song, followed by a media tour centered around his mom’s dying wish for him to keep making music, despite his self-consciousness about being a vocalist. it was all very sweet and sad, but the primary emotion i feel for him his pity. his song with bebe rexha bangs tho.
  • harry — harry put out a very good album this year that did not, in spite of what his fans might tell you, save rock n roll music. you know what else didn’t save rock n roll? his parade of ugly-ass, over-sized, patterned designer suits. i don’t care that this was allegedly an important statement for Men’s Fashion. it was unattractive and i’m angry about it.
  • zayn — zayn is a singularly transcendent being. one would not use words like “cute,” “hot,” or “sexy,” to describe the center of the universe, from which all good things flow.

onto the real list!!!

10. john cusack, russia truther

cusack is, of course, my all-time greatest crush, and that is why he gets judged with the harshest scrutiny; he is competing against all-time great years in the cusack pantheon, such as 1989, 1999, and 2016. in 2017, john displayed his usual passion for slightly-incoherent politics; but this time it was marred by russia trutherism. john cusack has given me more than i could ever want in life, but the one thing i ask is that he not embarrass me. he ignored that request this year by buying into barely-there media narratives about putin as an all-powerful, international puppetmaster. bad look, johnny!! i considered not including him at all, but then he posted my all-time favorite photo on instagram.

9. zac efron, for no reason

zac efron is in “the greatest showman,” which is in theaters right now. this is a fact. but tbh?? i was not really aware what he was in this year, yet he was still a constant presence in my consciousness. i found myself repeatedly compelled to get a copy of his iconic “yolo” tattoo. i also found myself repeatedly quoting 2009 weekend update character, angie tempura: “zac efron??? more like, zac what the f is wrong with you???” i can’t tell you whether zac is still walking around all bronzed and crispy, like that bust of cristiano ronaldo or if the zefron aging pendulum has once again swung back toward his softened baby face. in fact, i don’t know for a fact that zac efron does anything at all. i think maybe “baywatch” came out this year and maybe he was in it and maybe i saw it. who could ever really know? it doesn’t matter. zac efron was top of mind for no REAL reason. that’s power.

8. james franco, public redemption

there was a time in my life i tried to convince myself, for whatever reason, that dave was the hotter franco. i knew this was bullshit. i love dave but, come on… bullshit. the next time i saw one of james’ movies (probably spring breakers??) i knew i was wrong. the younger franco’s performance in “the disaster artist” was passable, but also damning evidence that his admittedly-natural onscreen charisma dulls in comparison to his brother’s capacity for pathos. critics and audiences took it upon themselves to praise james’ vision and performance, as if they hadn’t all treated him as a punchline for the past several years. and u know what??? that’s fine. as long as y’all are on board now, i’m happy. he works harder and takes more avenues than almost any other celeb and i’m glad he’s getting credit. but the question remains: is he hot as tommy wiseau??? honestly, that’s a mess i am not yet willing or able to untangle.

7. gael garcia bernal as hector, “coco”

don’t @ me

6. clinton moxam, “are you the one?”

if you are unfamiliar with the premise of mtv’s best show, “are you the one?”, it is essentially the bachelor times 10, divided by everclear. this season featured 11 guys and 11 girls in a house (an up-level from the usual 10 of each gender), paired in secret by a mysterious matchmaking team behind the scenes. the object of the game is for each couple to pair up correctly by the end of 10 weeks and win $1 million (split 22 ways, of course.) the ridiculous mechanics of the show’s “truth booth” and matchup ceremonies (which feature beams of light that shoot up into the night sky) are just the set dressing for the truly disastrous individuals who make up the cast to hook up and fight like superstars.

the season six cast of AYTO was full of some of the most fun, unique, and messy bitches in the history of the show. unfortunately, clinton was not one of them. clinton is just an insanely hot guy who likes to wear religious wristbands and has no strong opinions on anything. he started “dating” uche as soon as they got in the house; the pair were pretty immediately revealed not to be a match after they were voted into the truth booth early on. he stayed with uche for the remainder of the show and they were exceptionally boring (and are still dating irl — congrats). but with clinton, his presence was my present, ya know? and ummm….. everyone please watch “are you the one?” on mtv.

5. devon pinto, “survivor”

ok, yes, he is basically a tan, surfing adam driver. u got me there. but he was also probably the best strategist yet to emerge from the laid-back beach guy archetype seen frequently on survivor. affable, hard-working, and somehow embodying both the good/evil and smart/dumb dichotomies — it was hard not to love devon. unless you were my mom. my mom hated devon. but you can’t win ’em all; including the title of sole survivor and the $1 million check. and, like all hot survivor boys, he is slightly cringey off the island. at least i was prepared this time.

4. adam driver with a southern accent, “logan lucky”

onto the real deal: every time i think i’ve seen the best version of adam driver, he pulls out another performance that gives me pause. watching every role i find myself thinking, “oh, he’s just playing adam driver.” but when i really consider it, his characters are really pretty varied for such a relatively-short career: from the dirtbag bf w/ a heart of gold in “girls”, to the sweet and eager nature photographer in “tracks”, to the zealous jesuit missionary in “silence”. i know that’s what the craft is about, but driver never quite feels like a Serious Actor Immersing Himself in a Role; the emotional choices emanate from him in the most natural way. and ummmmm… it’s always hot!

i saw him earlier this year in a subtle performance as a bus driver/poet in “paterson”. this december, of course, the world grew closer to my own feelings, as we watched him hulking, glistening, shirtless, and full of angst in “the last jedi.” but i guess his turn as a simple-minded, amputee war veteran with an insane southern accent in “logan lucky” did the most for me. or it at least brought the greatest number of new dimensions to the adam driver character canon (which fits the best with my thesis.) still thinking about kylo ren shirtless in high pants tho.

3. will fuller, the houston texans

sometimes you don’t realize you’re in love with someone until you’re in a famous soul food restaurant in houston (shout out mikki’s)and among all the huge celebrities like usher & beyonce photographed on the wall is the 2nd best wide receiver on the texans and boy howdy are you thrilled to see him the most!! i mean, it could be that, or it could be the 7 touchdowns in the first 4 games he played this season. sure, brock osweiler made him look like a butterfingered flop last season… but with deshaun watson at qb, will fuller became the untouchable adonis he was destined to be all along. watson has rightfully been declared the future of the team, but with the re-upped coverage deandre hopkins can expect to pull next year, fuller should be a key component of the offense. just ignore the games he played with tom savage at qb. he like, had a rib injury, ok???

p.s. can we please start doing pretty shoots in fashion mags with athletes?

2. dylan sprouse, instagram (not cole sprouse, “riverdale”)

yeah yeah, 2017 was totally a breakout moment for cole sprouse… i get it. for whatever reason, riverdale has become a campy hit among adults my age (and i’m honestly not positive whether actual teens watch it?) and cole’s jughead has become somewhat of a sex symbol, in his own corny-ass way. when the sprouse twins began to slowly reappear online and seemingly-everywhere in nyc a few years ago, i was on-board for cole and his weird faux-intellectualism, but at some point this past year i hit peak cole sprouse saturation. maybe it was one too many comments pretending he was better than the show giving him his paycheck or maybe it was how proud he is of his mildly-amusing “camera duels” instagram page OR MAYBE it was a lingering feeling about that godawful “social experiment” tumblr he ran a few years ago… somewhere in all of that fuss around cole sprouse being “weird,” “a weirdo” and all “stupid hat”, 2017 quietly became the year of dylan.

both twins have become frequent subjects for artsy magazines with dumb names like, idk, “dreamland” that i’m not quite sure really exist. while my camera roll’s face sorter couldn’t tell the boys apart, my heart finally could. for every sulky, angular, shot of cole’s tilted jaw, there was an equal and opposite image of the shier, softer dylan half-disappearing into his lush golden tresses. i can’t say whether it was dylan or stylists that decided to start dressing him in distinctly 70s silhouettes, but boy did it work out. plus, any cole-like pretension conjured by his current efforts to open a craft meadery in brooklyn is immediately canceled out by his love for dungeons & dragons and other nerd-type shit i don’t understand. anyway, vulture put out a profile of dylan this week and completely jacked my swag. you should read it anyway, though.

1. taylor kitsch as david koresh, the trailer for “waco”

this list was all-but cemented mid-december with dylan comfortably occupying the #1 spot. then, my google alert for rory culkin led me to the trailer for “waco”, the tv miniseries about david koresh & the branch davidians. it left me with many questions:

-where is rory? in this series and in general?
-wtf is the paramount network?
-are chip & joanna gaines the new david koresh?
-oh my god is that fucking tim riggins?????

WELL: rory plays a cult member, the paramount network is spike tv’s rebrand, chip & jo are def the new david koresh and yes — as it turns out, it was tim riggins. taylor kitsch stars as koresh, the cult leader-turned-mass murderer, deep in the heart of the lone star state. i proceeded to re-watch the waco trailer like 9 times that day, marveling at kitsch’s newly-hollowed cheekbones, denim jackets, and bad 80s perm; plus, the prospect of watching him manipulate people to their deaths. of course, waco doesn’t premiere until 2018 but… i’m done with the justification. this is it, folks. this is me. this is what i like.

Like what you read? Give sophie fairplay a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.