Journal 2

Overwhelmed

The beginning of my day was a bit overwhelming I went back to high school. Not all parts of it were bad but I sort of got really anxious and then ended up crying. I got so worked up deciding whether or not I should go visit Skagina and I did and I’m not sure what I was expecting and it’s not like I said hi to him either but the whole situation made me feel sick to my stomach. I feel better about Laura I was worried she was being weird but I know she is more mature then that and who knows if anything will even come from that whole thing.

I still have no idea what happened that’s why it is probably hard for me to see him because the last time I did in real life things were normal and it was actually a really good day. I guess maybe I was looking for closure today a smile, a hello, or something I think I deserve that.

After more than a year of dating I think maybe I deserve for him to acknowledge me or even ask how I’m doing. But who knows if that would actually make me feel better. I don’t think it’d give me false hope because I don’t want him back I really just don’t know what I want from him. I think I’m just moving through the process I think I might be at anger right now and I’m not sure what’s next but I’m ready for it to stop hurting.

Why do I care what he’s doing or who he’s becoming I know I deserve better and I know he wasn’t treating me well I guess I’m just still upset and confused and I’m sure that’ll go away soon.

I just need to do things that make me happy and be with people that I love and care about and that care about me. (Something Quinn said to me and I really liked it.)

Going into skagina today didn’t make me happy and I knew it wouldn’t and going to Kyle’s party I’m not mentally ready to enjoy myself at it. I just need to do me and work through some of the things I have going on.

The people who have really been there for me and that I’m happy with:

QUINN-OLIVIA-CIERRAH-CHLOE-HENRY-BAILEY-KYLE-ANNIE-PAIGE-MATT-GINA-MOM-PETRA

I have so many great people in my life that are really being so nice and helpful and I just need to stop thinking about all the little details get past it all and starting being happy with the people that make me happy.

ALSO

Is henry a rebound? I don’t even know I don’t think so and what really is a rebound it’s not like we have random sex and are purely physically and have no emotional connection. It kind of is a little suspicious that the night I got broken up with I spent the night with Henry but I liked him before I imagined things about us or him before I was even single. And we have weird things in common and get along and I like him but I am worried for how this might work I don’t know he’s never had a girlfriend and that’s all I’ve been for the last year. It’s just tricky but I think I should just go for it.

I am pretty fucked up though.

Is a rebound really that bad like what is he wanting from this? I guess what do you want out of any relationship. I don’t know. I guess companionship until you find the “one” or whatever I don’t think Henry is the one I didn’t really think Teal would turn out to be the one I think there was a really happy time that I even thought about a future but we were actually so different. For serious long term stuff that wasn’t realistic to think of him.

I think he was really good for me in high school for first time stuff and going to cool places and showing me how to be me but he’s not anymore and I really am okay with that. I still crying when speaking or typing this stuff but it is sad but soon I won’t cry just think of all of our time spent together and hopefully smile and be happy that happened and okay that it’s not anymore.

I am there but not without crying. Soon.

Song of the day: NO SCRUB-TLC

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Sophie Kastelic’s story.