Cat Versus Bubble Bath

Photo by John Moeses Bauan.

How to take a bubble bath when you don’t have a cat:
1. Fill bathtub with warm water, add choice of essential oils, liquid bath soap, and various salts.
2. Apply face mask if so you wish.
3. Lie down in bathtub until fully relaxed or until water cools.

How to take a bubble bath when you do have a cat (bless your heart):
1. Fill bathtub with warm water, add choice of essential oils, liquid bath soap, and various salts.
2. Watch as the curious cat comes to look at the flowing water, but runs away every time you make a move it considers suspicious.
3. Apply face mask if so you wish.
4. Lie down in bathtub.
5. Greet the cat warmly when it comes back into the bathroom, carefully approaches the tub, and curiously sniffs the lavender-scented foam you’re soak in.
6. Ooh and aaah at the utter cuteness as the cat paws at the piece of foam it caught, making it fly like a bubbly, shapeless butterfly of some sorts.
7. Remain very, very still despite slippery situation (and water becoming colder by the second) as the cat perches itself on the narrow edge of the bathtub and begins grooming (because seriously, where else can she do it than on the edge of a filled bathtub?).
8. Try to refrain from sneezing (because of the now-freezing water) so you don’t scare the mighty feline.
9. Fail at the above step, and sneeze much louder than you thought of.
10. Scream in horror as cat, startled by your elephantesque sternutation, falls into the bathtub.
11. Scream in pain as the cat, wet to the bone and furious, paws at your entire body with all its claws out until it figures out how to jump out of the tub, shake the water off its mighty mane, throw you a disgusted look and go hide under the bed.
12. Watch as the water takes a reddish shade, and as the gashes all over your body sting because of all the soap, salts and oils.
13. Remember that the infamous sixteenth-century Countess Elizabeth Bathory used to bathe in the blood of virgins to maintain her youthful appearance, and if, at least by Renaissance standards, you are neither young nor a virgin, it’ll nonetheless have to do.