Where the hell is my dysphoria?
From the everyday life of a person with gender dysphoria, sometimes without gender dysphoria.
One thing I still can’t explain to myself is the recurring absence of my gender dysphoria. As if she had something better to do on some days than to occupy me.
Stress
In the meantime, I have found out that stress is a very big factor that my gender dysphoria rarely deals with. Under high stress I function the way I function. It’s irrelevant whether I’m a male or a female.
I have already gone through these phases as well. Under high stress I simply don’t have the time to think about what has occupied me the last 2 years or so: Am I in the right body?
If the stress decreases, my dysphoria gains power. It’s a bit like angels and devils on your shoulders. Each of them is in charge at some point.
Strange
Today I have no stress, or at least so little that I have good time to think about other things. Nevertheless: My gender dysphoria has been blown away for about one week.
Well, it’s not as if I miss it very much. BUT: It just feels wrong. Because why would I have doubted me for the last 2 years, and suddenly it’s wiped away like spilled coffee.
In fact, the dysphoria has become a part of me. In my heart and mind it has manifested itself that I am not the ordinary man. I am different. Maybe I am a woman. Maybe even for sure. But today I am not. I am a man. I even think it’s ok to be like that. I don’t even think about it very much. So exactly as it happens to everyone who doesn’t suffer from gender dysphoria.
What is wrong with me?
Now it’s time to really shake your head. I’m worried because I’m “normal”. Well, the term normal can be stretched a long way, but I think you understand what I mean.
Over the months I have established contacts, asked questions, informed myself what I can do, what could help me. And now none of that is necessary anymore. After all, everything is “normal”.
You could almost laugh about it.
This one week, in which I now function perfectly as a man, I ponder why this is suddenly like that. It’s not stress, I already noticed that and wrote it down above. But what could it be then? There must have been triggers for it.
If you research on the Internet — yes I know you should not do that in general or do it less often — you will find similar statements. There is such a thing as a drop-out of dysphoria. However, I could only rarely read out the reasons for this, especially since they don’t have to be valid for me.
One reason could be the following: I think that exactly on the day it began, I was once again called dad. It was said how important it is for the children that Daddy is there. The emphasis was clearly on the male part of a dad. Just as everyone expects. And exactly in this situation I understood and internalized the importance of it. It touched me deeply.
Maybe that was exactly what triggered my Dysphoria Pause Days, as I affectionately call them. (Maybe it’s even my End of Dysphoria? There’s no end in sight at the moment.)
Gathering
For days, every hour, every free minute was about what one could do to become happier. Away from the stereotype man, towards a better being and thus a better life. These thoughts and burdens are gone. Other thoughts have taken the place for this. Every free minute one invests now in thinking and researching why one no longer thinks about having the wrong sex.
You could almost laugh about it. Again.
Waiting is the motto. The worries about losing my family because of my desire to be more feminine are now receding into the background. I don’t have to hurt anyone. I have no worries about losing my job, and so on. Actually, I am a happier person.
No, actually I’m not. I am as unhappy and happy as any other day. Just for other reasons.
What remains open is the question: Will my gender dysphoria return? And when she comes back, will I welcome her with open arms, hug her and tell her: “I missed you so much!”?
