Chapter 1 — The day my life changed.

You never think it’s going to happen to you. You don’t think you’ll go through the indignity of a stroke in your 30s. But that’s precisely what happened to me when I was 30 something. People are always so afraid of illness, frightened by the very word stroke; this is why I thought I’d write about mine and share my findings, the good, the bad, the ugly and all the weird stuff that came along with it.

Before I begin to share my story, I’d like you to know that no two strokes are ever the same, even if they are identical on an MRI scan. One person can have a sizeable stroke and feel okay, while another person can have a small stroke and feel completely changed.

Some people who’ve had strokes are so traumatised that they stay in their stroke state even though a full recovery is possible. The brain is the most complicated object on the planet and we humans know very little about it. Everyone is unique and individual, and their Stroke is personal to them. I, personally, call mine “Going down the rabbit hole”.

So let me set the scene of the year before my stroke took place, It was 2015, and my husband and I were hoping to do IVF. The doctors said we were an unexplained childless couple. No problems for either of us; both very fertile and healthy yet we couldn’t seem to get pregnant.

Before I could have IVF, I was due to have a minor surgical procedure done. After my pre-op assessment; doctors found an undiagnosed congenital hole in my heart. The medical term for this is known as an Atrial Septal Defect. A defect in the heart that can lead to stroke, heart failure or even early sudden death. Now despite how terrible this seemed, we were thankful that they had discovered and diagnosed my ASD.

The cardiac doctor said if the hole in my heart had gone undiscovered then I could have died in my 50s. The other rather startling revelation was that if I had become pregnant, I might have gone into heart failure during the pregnancy. I went into the hospital for a simple heart procedure to close up the hole in June 2016. We thought that would be that and we could finally begin IVF in January 2017, I was so excited and happy and looking forward to a bright future. My husband and I thought nothing more of it.

On 28th December 2016, I felt very unwell. I had been out walking with my husband in the fresh country air, but I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I had to sit down on the bench halfway up a tiny hill, this hill felt like a mountain. It could have been Everest. Lightheaded and dizzy, exhausted by a couple of steps I had stopped to regain my breath. My husband accused me of being LAZY, at the time this annoyed me as I had been trying to get into shape for IVF.

Anyway, when we arrived back at my Dad’s house where we were staying for Christmas, I was so cross with my husband. While getting ready to leave I remember my heart thumping even more than ever — my breath was quick and shallow — and I was feeling panicky. I was going to walk over to where he was sitting, I can’t remember what I was going to say because out of the blue, I fumbled out the words…‘I am having a stroke.’

My heart raced as I had never experienced before, I stood frozen unable to move. I gripped the chair I was standing behind. It was as if there was a bright red “emergency” button hiding in my brain and it had just been pressed. It felt like pandemonium, it was like being in a James Bond movie, right at the end where men are holding guns and running around aimlessly. I felt as if I was in the baddie’s lair and it was about to self-destruct. All the alarms were going off, and the workers in my brain like in the movie were frantically running around desperately trying to escape the chaos.

At that point, I was totally confused. I have never felt so confused in my whole life. My world was spinning around, and I became dizzy. It was as if a small child was tugging at my left arm and another child pulling at my right cheek.

Everyone always asks me if I knew I was having a stroke, and I tell them that I did. I felt twisted as if a fire was burning bright inside my brain, I was trying to speak to my husband, but my words sounded slurry. He was trying to talk back to me, but I couldn’t understand him. At the time it sounded as if he was speaking a foreign language, I stared at him. I went to the mirror to stare at my mouth, as it felt like it was being pulled downwards. I wanted the invisible children to stop pulling at my face and arm. ‘Oi! Children stop pulling me — it hurts’.

I began to hallucinate…here we go — I flew up and out. It felt as though my soul and my brain were disconnected.

I am now in the Star Wars movie. There’s a scene in Star Wars ‘The Force Awakens’ in which 3CPO has a new arm. A bright red arm and Princess Leila doesn’t recognise him because of this new arm and he apologies. I imagine I am standing next to 3CPO with my fake arm and I too apologise. I tell her that ‘I had a good arm, so I don’t understand why I now have this new arm. I hope Princess Leila will understand and that I can still fly my ship?’

Why have ‘They’ given me this new arm? I began to hallucinate again… ‘Woo hoo! I’m floating’. I left my body. There was no time up there. I felt so big I thought I’d filled the Living Room. I radio upstairs and to try and find out what’s going on using my walkie-talkie. ‘Err ye — it’s me. An update please on this arm situation. Not identifiable.’ A voice — responds almost immediately. ‘Beep…

Yes — we are looking into this — you have come off plan. Standby to take off.’

‘What? Am I taking off? But I haven’t written my report?’ In the real world — I was sitting down, crying. Jamie, my husband, was trying to talk to me but I was crying. Uncontrollable tears. I wasn’t listening to him. I was in a dream world stressing over the fact that I hadn’t written my report — that’s what I was crying over. I could hear him from a long way off, telling me to take an iron tablet — Bless his little cotton socks.

In the doorway to my right, I saw a tall, handsome man he had dark hair, and was wearing a navy fisherman’s jumper. ‘Who is he?’ He seemed familiar, but I didn’t know how or why? He was smiling at me and whispered, ‘Breathe. Stay’. It was a command, not a suggestion.

I took a deep breath in and slowly breathed out. I tried to slow down my heart, which at that point was racing. Then just like that, it all goes away, and the brain twists stop. The children tormenting me left. My arm wasn’t my arm, but I could use it. The dizziness continued, and I staggered around that evening, almost falling over twice. I was so dizzy and nauseous. In the coming months, I got used to that feeling.

My husband and I were desperate to get back to where we live. We decide to take a flight home. (Not knowing at the time that a flight could have killed me)

If you enjoyed my post make sure you read chapter 2