3 Lessons from a Transformation

Soren Rubin
Sep 7, 2018 · 5 min read

The first time I recall being self conscious about my weight, I was in fifth grade. After a routine check-up with the school nurse. Everyone was asking me how much I weighed. I was so embarrassed that I lied to cut a few pounds off the real number, 145. The insecurity of being a little heavier, led me to put on more and more weight over the next few years. In high school, I wore two shirts because I thought it hid my belly. I was already struggling a great deal with my weight then I was hit by a “cosmic two by four”.

When I was sixteen my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Despite some helpful treatment, he died four years later, after losing control of his body and his mind. The experience traumatized me, and I turned to compulsive eating to numb the pain. When I was a nineteen-year-old freshman at college, as my dad was beginning his final decline in the last year of his life, I weighed 300 lbs. There would be days when I would not leave my room because I was so ashamed about my body and the degree to which I was suffering.

The unhappiness became more than I could handle, and I dropped out of college, packed up all of my things in the middle of the night, and drove home. Though suffering slightly less at home, I still continued to abuse drugs and alcohol and maintain an unhealthy, high-calorie diet. I was in an incredible amount of pain, and I was angry. “What the hell is wrong with me?”, I thought to myself, over and over again. It made me furious! One day I went out into my garage and attacked an old punching bag until I was gasping for breathe. I sat on an old box in the dark garage with the dust still settling on the floor, and enjoyed a momentary glimmer of awareness.

I had been desperately trying to avoid pain at all cost, perpetually searching for new stimuli to prevent me from sitting alone with my thoughts. In that moment in my garage, as I sat there fatigued, I realized that it was powerful to embrace the pain. The calm exhilaration that I felt was an effect of the physical exertion. Though I was still far from welcoming the strenuous challenge of of regular exercise, I knew that I had discovered something important. Two days later, I was back in the garage hitting the punching bag again.

That was how my journey began. Over the course of the next year, I lost 100 lbs. I found exercise and the community of people that I built around it to be a vital part of my life. My desire to challenge myself, and the support I received from a community that held me accountable, began to have drastic positive effects. My body was changing, but more importantly, my mind was changing too. My chronic hunched posture gave way to a confident stride with my shoulders pulled back. I slowly began to understand the benefits of caring for myself, and how it affected all of my interactions as well as my beliefs about myself and my value.

Taken by the remarkable benefits, I wanted to share what I had discovered with other people that might be struggling with similar issues. I studied to become a personal trainer and imparted to my clients that exercise was only dreaded if we expected it to be easy. My goal was to condition my clients comprehensively, focusing on the aspects that are often neglected by conventional fitness. This choice led me to turn to yoga and meditation. I was lucky enough to be accepted to an amazing, teacher training program and I packed my bag to go live at a yoga center for a month.

The mindful approach brought me to an even closer community, and reaffirmed what I had already learned about the importance of self-care and constructive emotional release. I cultivated a meditation practice and integrated a stronger connection between the mind and the body into my own workouts, and the services I delivered to clients. I was learning that the mind and the body are inextricably linked, and I remembered the momentary spark I felt in my garage that hot summer afternoon when I was nineteen.

All of the cells in our bodies are recycled every seven years, and I can tell you that I can barely recognize the overweight, hunched, suffering person that first went out into the garage to hit that punching bag. The Journal of Psychiatry & Neuroscience reports that a study of the relationship between exercise and mood found the antidepressant effects of exercise have been “clearly demonstrated”. We need constructive channels to release the fundamental anger and pain of human existence, and exercise is a wonderful place to start.

Today, directing excess energy, be it aggression, anger or frustration, is an essential part of my routine. There are a number of techniques that can be used for healthy energy release. I have found three to be particularly helpful:

  1. Physical Exercise: Strength training is an incredibly effective exercise modality. I exercise 3–5 times per week and the resulting calm provides me ample opportunity for mindful introspection.
  2. Breathwork: Forceful exhales can bring awareness to shallow breathing, or lack of breathing, that accompanies stress. I like to do this daily, in the morning couple, with some stretches to loosen the muscles in my chest.
  3. Writing: Journaling can free thoughts and feelings. For me, 5 minutes a day helps me to process what I cannot vocalize or recognize.

My transformation began with exercise, but the benefits that I experienced and communities I found helped me to form new habits. I had been obese, shoulders slumped forward, so ashamed and depressed that I could barely leave the house. My life did not change in a day, but when I decided to move my body, the benefits and the discipline that exercise provided initiated a transformation that has opened the world before me.

A small decision can have unimaginable implications. Whatever it is, you can start now!

Soren Rubin

Following the death of my father and a personal transformation, in which I lost 100 lbs., I decided to share stories to inspire growth and positive change.

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