Conclusions From an Inexperienced Heart
I talk about my romantic past
as if I am a woman of enhanced experience,
when in actuality my wisdom is contrived
and I lose no hands counting the men I’ve received.
But maybe I’m quick to conclude
and build up these truths and tenants of life
because I already feel a sense of understanding
of what separates this from them.
With them it was always about why
I should stay with them and let it grow.
There were lists I made in my head
of the things I couldn’t find elsewhere.
“Just give it a chance, he’ll grow on you
Your hesitancy is unfounded.
There really is nothing wrong with him,
why do you keep looking away?”
And I repeated that in my head like a record
thinking that time would sort things out
and I would stop asking myself
and finally settle.
But with this my head is turned over
and I find myself asking all the wrong things.
With this it’s always about why
I should go before I get too hurt.
With this I’m just so confused
at how my guarded self has come down so quickly
and I keep wondering why
I so foolishly surrender myself to you.
Because nothing can happen this fast
and happen without that doubt.
Why do I not have to convince myself to be with you?
Why do I have to fight for reasons to leave?
With them I fight for reasons to stay.
With you I can’t fathom why this works.
It just does it’s like a drug where it transforms me
and I’m left drunk in your shadow.
I’m so afraid that I’ll be blinded by it
and tear off my arms and limbs in offering
only to be stranded in the desert
still unable to place the blame.
But that’s the only thing that makes me hesitant.
I try to find other reasons,
but those reasons are so easily explained away
and forgotten in your presence.
I keep having to justify
why I should leave before I get too hurt.
And even still I’d rather have that
then be forced to justify why I should stay.
I will give my limbs to you,
I will give my brain and organs too,
because you don’t make me question why I should.
I just ask that you handle my parts with care.