When it’s time to learn how to say goodbye

The Stats:

Hours slept: 3

Gym: done

Cigarrettes smoked: too scared to count…

Alcohol consumed: 1 glass of wine

Food consumed: 1 pizza slice

Formats plagiarised: 1 — a la Bridget Jones :)

I’ll start with something from Neil Diamond which best describes what happened:

You Don’t bring me flowers

You don’t bring me flowers

You don’t sing me love songs

You hardly talk to me anymore

When you come through the door at the end of the day…

I remember when you couldn’t wait to love me

Used to hate to leave me

Now after loving me late at night

When it’s good for you

And you’re feeling all right

When you just roll over and turn out the light….

It used to be so natural

to talk about forever

but ‘used to be’s’ don’t count anymore

they just lay on the floor

til we sweep them away

and baby, I remember

All the things you taught me

I learned how to laugh

And i learned how to cry

Well I learned how to love

Even learned how to lie

You’d think I could learn

how to tell you goodbye

cause you don’t bring me flowers

anymore.

I have loved the same man for 9 years of my life. We met when I was 23 years old, and, if I am honest, I was so ready to love someone and be loved in return, that I never seriously considered the long term. I fell in love, and I honestly believed that if you work hard enough, any relationship can be made to work. I was wrong.

This week, I had to accept that love sometimes is not enough. I can still say with all honesty that I love him, but I need to love myself more. 9 years of resentment, unresolved issues (both within the relationship and individually), hurt and anger exploded. And I needed to make a decision for myself, and only me. No person can be expected to continue fighting for a relationship, when love has become poisoned. When it is so toxic, that you realise that you and this person you claim to love, are destroying one another.

I choose happiness, self-fulfillment, and acceptance of all of me. Not simply my strengths, but weaknesses too. I also accept my past failures, and I have forgiven myself. I only ever did my best. When I was screaming in anger and frustration, that too, was my best. I was in the fight of my life, for my life and the life I had hoped to build with him. I gave it more than 100%.

Which is why, today I can honestly say, I have no regrets. For the first time, in a long time, I am not scared of the future. I’m excited, because I finally realise that the only person in the way of me, fulfilling my destiny, is me. And, with the grace of someone up there watching over me, I will be able to utilise the many talents I have been blessed with, and fly.

There is obviously more to it than this, and I am sure that in the weeks and months to come, I will sometimes sound half mad when I share my anger and pain. That is ok. I am no longer running from my pain.

Lastly, for this first post, I wish to thank the amazing people in my life. My parents, my amazing sister, my incredible friends, even the strangers who have shown nothing but empathy for me. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes an Olympic sized team to get through something like this. Welcome to Team Sorina. I will continue to share my humanity, believing that we all are stronger than we realise, smarter than we think, and more beautiful than we imagined.

Best wishes. Peace, love and grace for all.

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