I wonder

I always wonder.

I wonder about life, about my existence…

I wonder why there is a Universe, why the world was created, why there are stars…

But most of the time, I wonder what the purpose of my existence is, why I breathe, what I am here for…

Every hour of my waking day, I ask ‘Why am I alive?’

And that question bounces around the four walls of my room but there is only silence.

No response. No answer.

I do not know why I am alive! And it strikes a fear in me, it irks and irritates me, it nags at me that I know not the reason of my existence.

Every single day for 15 years I wake up in the morning, bath, eat, go to school, study then back home and sleep. The next day, I wake up and do the same routine over and over again until I graduated college. They say that all of that was necessary so I could have a good paying job in the future.

Now that I am in the future with a good paying the job, the routine changes. I wake up, bath, work, go home, sleep then wake up to do it all over again. But there is still that routine.

In the society where I live in, in the culture that I follow, these are the norms, the necessities to live. No matter how I want to break the unending routine, I am chained by tradition, by the commonality. It was drilled into me what I am supposed to do, what I need to do to survive for the next, next years.

So I can’t stop but ask myself, Is this all there is to life? Was I born to pay taxes for the rest of my breathing moments?

Is this all there is to life? Did God put me here for this?

Is that it?

And if it is so, why do I not find contentment in it?

If it is so, then I don’t want it! Good-paying job be damned!

So, I will break it. I will break that chain that bounds me to the dictates of society, tradition and even family. I will not be controlled by commonality and maybe then I’d find what my true purpose is.

Maybe, maybe I’ve been asking the wrong question my whole life.

Maybe the question is not ‘Why am I alive?’ but ‘How should I live?’

How should I live that I will be able to find contentment in life? That when I go home at night, I’d be able to look at the four walls of my room and say out loud, “I am happy today and I can’t wait for tomorrow!”

How should I live that I will be able to find satisfaction? That I could feel my soul burns with passion for the wonderful things that I do not only for me but for others?

How should I live a life full of purpose that I will be able to face death with a smile? That when I stand before my God and He would ask how was my life on earth, I would be able to answer, “I lived happily in contentment and satisfaction. A life I filled with purpose.”

I wonder, how should I live?