My fellow Soul Sister wrote a blog on forgiveness, it touched me in a way that I can’t even begin to tell you. This muse extends a bit on this and my experience. How do you forgive something that is traumatic in your family, something that you push back in your memory, but always surfaces? Couple that with the death of a person who is involved and you are left with a perfect storm, the storm that is set up to live a lifetime of pain and sorrow. It’s the so called “Elephant in the room” that is always there and never seems to go away.

Years ago, my mum and I had a disagreement about an important family matter. She nor I would budge, we chose to ignore it, we did not talk about it, we did not face it, we moved around each other rather than deal with it like adults. We did not talk to each other, we avoided family events and holiday’s. My father took my mothers side, my sisters also sided against me, I wanted her to take my side, but she chose not to, so I felt alone. The problem we faced was serious, it was not just a simple argument but it’s the way that we dealt with it that has caused so much pain to me. Why? My mum passed away unexpectedly and I am left with guilt, a guilt that I thought never could be assuaged. I wonder how she felt when she passed on, did she feel the same? Did she think of me and did she forgive me for being so unable to accept the fact that it was nothing anyone could have changed? It was circumstances, it was reality, it was what it was. The choices that were made to cause the disagreement led to the impasse. The family dynamic was forever scarred.

I can’t go back and say anything now, the door is closed, never to open again. I look back now and realize that forgiveness is critical in all things, and must be done to assure a happy life for yourself. No matter what the reason, to forgive, releases you from all guilt, and to live in a state of unforgiveness can only lead to a place you can never return from when circumstances such as a death happens. No matter what the issue is, you can choose to let yourself forgive all things, you must forgive all things, you must be free of all guilt, without that you will live a life that is full of regret. Did I rush to judgment, did I need to take the stand that I took, was I partly to blame, it seemed so clear at the time, but now I will never know.

My only option now is to talk to my mum in my prayers and ask her to forgive me for not forgiving her and letting go of the hurt that led to this rift between us. It seemed so important at the time, and now, it means nothing because I never could have changed the thing that caused the rift, it was a reality. If only I could go back, if only I could have one moment to say, it does not matter, but that moment has passed and is no longer possible. God tells us to forgive, in fact he demands it, for without forgiving, we can’t be forgiven. That does not mean we accept the offense, or the wrong done to us, it just means we find the courage to move forward. My Soul Sister made me see that and for her, I am eternally grateful, because she has enabled me to let go of all of it. Such a profound piece it was, thank you my wonderful sister.

Reading my fellow Soul Sister’s blog piece I choose now to forgive myself, to follow her advice, and even follow my own blog advice “Let It Go” Without doing that, I will live in a place that is hollow and sad, it’s time to say, I must move on and accept what I cannot change. No matter what, we must all forgive, we must learn from our mistakes and accept them, but in the end, we must forgive.

This quote from my fellow Soul Sister was the key in my revelation:

There is freedom in the forgiveness of ourselves and others. Consider the consequences if you DO forgive: “Release them, and you will be released,” Josif Tson.

Mummy, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, I was not there to say goodbye, that is my life long regret, but I must forgive and be forgiven. Love Always, your daughter.