A Letter to my Boyfriend’s Ex.
You know who I am. Maybe not as closely as I know you, but I've facebooked you enough to know we have some common friends and the way I have imagined it in my head, you have asked them about me.
These friends tell me you miss him. They didn't have to, though. I read your messages from last saturday night, to him. You were probably drunk. And lonely. And broken.
I, Lana, am in love with the man you still think about at night when there’s nobody you’d rather talk to. Probably the one who comes to your mind when you watch The Notebook or listen to Ed Sheeran. The one who you wish would come hug you from behind and wipe your tears away so you don’t have to explain the mascara stains to your roommate the next morning.
What's worse, this guy you still think about, he loves me back. I can see it in his eyes when he smiles looking at me while I humm our favourite song in the car. I can hear it in his unsettled voice through the goodbyes. I can see it in the way he insists to help me cook, do the dishes, make the bed. The way he refuses to sleep over an argument and urges me to speak my heart out to him. The way he runs to the medical store at 3 in the morning when he sees me using the emergency pad from my drawer, I am never well stocked. And oh, he always is!
I know he loves me because he tells me he does when I need it the most. Gosh, this guy even knows my "Fine."s. And I never had to ask him for any of these or the myriad of other things.
Because YOU have helped him garner all this. Honestly, it is you who has made him more of who he is today.
You probably hate me and imagine me all happy, swaying my hair in the summer breeze holding his hand, giving you not a fuck.
I'll tell you this, I give you more fucks than I should. I'm daunted most days by the fear of not measuring upto you. And it doesn't take a scientist's mind to figure out my insecurities. I put my cards on the table for him. I bring you up in conversations and ask him if he felt the same way with you. I ask him if he called you by the same names he calls me. I behave in a very maladroit manner. You were his first love! You, oh you! You've seen him grow. You've grown with him.
You've taught him to trust, by trusting him the way you did. You've shown him the beauty of loving freely, by loving him freely. He knows a compassionate look from a lover can give jitters because you looked at him that way. With you he realised the importance of communication in a relationship, I didn't have to beg him to listen to my side. You showed him how to let his emotions out through words and actions. He isn't reluctant now. He shopped for his first pack of pads for you. And of condoms too, for you. It's unnecessary to mention I know, but a thing or two you showed him while he was still learning a woman's body DOES help.
You exhibited your love for him. But he saw what love really is with me. I infected the broken pieces of him where you could not reach. And he politely declined any more of the love you might still have in abundance, nevertheless taking away a piece of you with him. It's a weirdly selfish world. I understand, I've loved and lost too. It's never easy, but neither will it always be this difficult.
I can imagine what must it be like to be in love with this man for years together and then to loose him, all at once. I'm sure you tried. Please don't blame him, I can tell that he tried as well. Some things aren't meant to be. Please don't loose faith in the amount of trust and compassion you can bestow upon another person. Don't behold from giving it away again, to some other person. Don't loose faith in the kind of love that you once preached. You've felt it once and you'll feel it again! This man has made me experience the essence of an honest love, which I had stopped believing existed. You'll meet a man who shall restore your belief too. Keep your doors open for him to enter. Love like Ross. (Just, dont make my boyfriend your Rachael.)
I hope someday we can be friends. I can tell that we'll get along well, we obviously have common interests and choices.
Love and wishes,
Your ex’s girlfriend