It is difficult to say anything without sounding preachy. I need to try though, because I’ve been there. Where you are.
I walk when I feel like you do. I’ve felt it very often in my life. I think I reached your stage at 20 itself, but minus the marijuana. Dunno if that would have helped, but I wasn’t drawn to it.
I didn’t go around the bend though. No psychiatrist, no medicine is going to help, Ishadrita. No boyfriend does either, though it is certainly nice to have one around, if he is the right sort. That kind is incredibly hard to find, especially for women like you and me, because our strength and our requirements are not what others seem to have.
So, our strength is ourselves. You will find it. You will find what you want to do, you will find your reason to live. And you will do it.
Maybe, it’s not TV? I went back to print. I wrote books. I wrote poetry, short stories. Did theatre. Did whatever I could think of.
I’ve achieved some semblance of sanity amidst all the crazy things I’ve done and crazy things that life threw at me. I’ve coped. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve danced, I’ve fought. I can’t say I’m content and happy. I have, however, survived. And you should too.