I’m in denial about a part of who I am. I so desperately want to be passionate about one thing. Society is structured in a way that favors those who commit themselves to one career, afterall, and all of these things pulling my attention make me feel like I lack focus. I think I’ve been in denial about the fact that I’m not a one-path, one-career type person. Even though I’ve only ever had one career, I feel a longing for branching out and going full speed ahead on one of my other interests.
But that’s so risky. I’ll have to start all over again. I’ll have to make a whole new set of connections. I’ll have to readjust to a lower income. I’ll have to fail as a game designer by giving up and moving on.
So… no. I am not ready to accept that I can’t commit to one career. I would rather forget that I’m used to being a beginner since I often begin new trades or hobbies. I would rather not consider that I’m a fast learner and could probably figure out how to make a transition into something new. I would rather ignore the inner call to challenge myself to economically minimize as much as possible. Truly, and most of all, I can’t abandon everything I’ve worked towards in game development.
I really need to snap out of this denial, though. I’ve used it as a shield for so long that I’ve become comfortable with denying the positive parts of who I am.
The new year brings a time of reflection, and after realizing that I need to come to terms with this core part of me, I decided that this year I want to pick resolutions that change the way I think. I want to start accepting my good qualities and learn to find the good in my flaws. Why does having a variety of passions have to hurt my career? I want to learn to own my power and wield it to bring my dreams and goals to life. Why give my power away to the stasis of anxiety? I want to stop dreaming and start doing. Why not?